The 21st century offers a plethora of birth control options. From patches to pills, there are plenty of ways to screw with your body’s hormones so that a special someone can truly be one with you (and give you chlamydia). But what if you were truly one with your birth control?
That’s exactly what local 24-year-old Stacey Hannon chose upon marrying her copper IUD. The two tied the knot at an elegant wedding in Carmel Valley after three years together.
“When I got my IUD, I thought it would give me the freedom to go out there and find the right partner for me without having to worry that unplanned parenthood would derail me from my goals. But after 3 years of dating, I realize that my IUD has treated me with far more respect than any man.” The couple had some disagreements in their first few months together when the IUD gave Hannon severe cramps, irregular periods, and nausea, but they finally found their homeostasis.
“After those first few months of being uncertain about my IUD, I realized we had actually gotten into a really healthy routine with each other, which is verified by my gyno,” Hannon reports.
Hannon spent years trying to find a partner, but each attempt only gave her disappointment. “Dating apps are pretty discouraging these days. Almost every bore has a dog in their photos to distract you from their lack of personality.”
Going on dates proved to be even more traumatic for Hannon when bachelors would openly discuss their adoration for sexual predators as they dined. “I would think we were hitting it off, but then Ryan or Mark or whoever would say something like ‘James Franco is a creative genius’ and ‘We should totally watch Parks and Rec together, I’ve never noticed that two out of the four main male actors have committed sexual assault. Also, who cares if Chris Pratt is deeply conservative, he makes me laugh!’”
Even when Hannon has found promising contenders, they’ve never made it past three weeks. “I feel like three weeks is enough time for someone to find the clitoris, but maybe I’m being too harsh here,” muses a diary entry of Hannon’s from 2017. “I’ve never found a guy who deserved to be inside me, and they never stick around anyways.”
Hannon’s experience is universal: studies show that men love to stay long enough to get laid, yet leave early enough to make women feel stupid for telling their friends and family.
“I might as well marry the one who’s been with me through it all. My IUD has pledged to stay with me for 12 years. That kind of commitment, outside of my uterus, is nowhere to be found. I’m so glad I settled down when I had the chance.”
Companionship is an off-label use, but Hannon’s relationship is literally the healthiest one recorded in human history.
“My IUD will stay with me for the years to come and last longer than any man,” Hannon smiled at the end of our interview. “I’m so blessed.”