Canceled! Beto Caught Skating With Eric Sparrow

BERKELEY, CA — Presidential candidate and former Texas Congressman Beto O’Rourke found himself riding into a new wave of controversy Friday afternoon after his campaign released video of him skateboarding with infamous pro skater Eric Sparrow.

In the video, filmed at the University of South Carolina early in the afternoon, O’Rourke and Sparrow can be seen skating in a parking lot, much like O’Rourke did in a viral video from the campaign trail of his 2018 bid for the United States Senate. The social media response was divided, with some praising—OK, I’m sorry, I can’t stay objective on this one. This issue is too personal for me to stay quiet. Really, Beto? Of all the pro skaters in the world, all the celebrities you could bring in for an early endorsement, you pick Eric Sparrow? What the hell is wrong with you?

You were supposed to be the cool guy in this campaign! You were the guy in the punk rock band and the hacker collective! You were the guy that climbed on tables all the time like you’re in RENT and it’s time to sing “La Vie Boheme!” Sure, you’re probably jumping the gun on this whole “running for President” thing, you’re not as progressive as I’d like, but I was at least willing to give you a chance. But Eric Sparrow? Unforgivable. Simply unforgivable. Why would you even pick that irrelevant fuckface? He’s burned so many bridges, it’s a wonder he even has a career at this point!

Oh, and Eric, since I know you’re a total narcissist and you’re probably gonna find this when you Google yourself again: YOU STOLE MY FUCKING TAPE! I DID THAT MCTWIST OFF THE HELICOPTER IN HAWAII, NOT YOU! AFTER EVERYTHING I DID FOR YOU, ALL THE TIMES I BAILED YOU OUT, YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO TRY TO TAKE MY MOMENT FROM ME? I SHOULD HAVE LEFT YOU TO ROT IN NEW JERSEY, YOU UGLY SACK OF SHIT! And rolling up only one sleeve of your shirt looks fucking stupid!

So yeah, Beto is canceled. Fuck him, fuck you if you vote for him in the primaries, and hopefully, Eric Sparrow eats shit and dies.