5 Things to “Do” with Your English Major

“Oh, you’re an English major? So…what’re you gonna do with that?” Faced with the intrusive, probing question of all dads, dads’ friends, (ex)boyfriends, and weird, overly jovial older men at the gym to whom you respond out of common decency, it’s easy to take the coward’s way out and mutter something vague about a startup. Because really, what are you going to do with your English degree?

Well, look no further, because this comprehensive list will give you all the options you need!

  1. Join the likes of esteemed authors Fitzgerald and Capote and become a high-functioning alcoholic!
  2. Graduate from a prestigious university and immediately land a job as an assistant to a demanding editor-in-chief of a high-fashion magazine despite having no familiarity with the fashion industry. At first you struggle with your new position, but then you will acclimate to the avant-garde lifestyle and undergo a drastic makeover. Lose your identity and succumb to the job and the world of fashion. Become immensely disillusioned and give up your potential career in the industry forever, throwing your cell phone into a fountain in Paris, France.
  3. Join the likes of esteemed authors Hemingway and Faulkner and become a low-functioning alcoholic! 
  4. Accept the inevitable and teach high school English.
  5. Write the obituaries of those you murder after they ask you what you’re going to do with your English degree.

Have fun paying off your student loans!