BERKELEY, Calif.— This fall Chad Michael Murray, a senior member of SAE, had a shocking revelation. He noticed that his Haas class was missing a large bulk of its student body on September 30th. After swiping right on Tinder for an hour and a half listening to every word his professor spewed about tax evasion, Murray approached her and asked why so many of his fellow peers were absent. In an interview recounting this event Murray claimed to have used the professional lingo: “Yooo where my loud-ass classmates at? If lecture today was optional, I think it’s racist that you didn’t tell me.”
His professor explained to him that it was a Jewish holiday, Rosh Hashanah, and some of the students were observing the new year. Murray then asked why this holiday wasn’t recognized by the school, or practically any American public schools, even though it was considered a very important and holy day to his peers. (Queue Ben from Parks and Rec looking at the camera and BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL because damn, good point Chad Michael Murray. Seriously, why aren’t we ever given school off on Jewish holidays? Let us discuss in Poli Sci 104 section and make our first-year GSI very uncomfortable).
After asking the one appropriate question he had in his inventory, Murray then felt a wave of frustration. “It just seemed so unfair to me that they could miss class and I had to go listen to a woman.” After much consideration, one joint, and an hour of sitting on his hepatitis-infested couch, Murray made the decision to become a Jewish man through conversion. His heart-warming reason? To directly quote Murray: “Bro I can, like, get a day off class.”
Currently, he is in the middle of the process, but so far is enjoying the “bitchin’ lox and telling Jew jokes.” We at The Free Peach are personally looking forward to shadowing Mr. Murray, soon to be Chadberg Michaelberg Murrayberg, (I tried to explain to him that this was not, in fact, a Jewish name and is simply offensive) during this most courageous of journeys as he proceeds with the process of becoming Jewish.
UPDATE as of 11/6/2019- Chad Michael Murray just realized that converting to Judaism is more than adding “Berg” to the end of his name. Having to actually put work into the process made Murray reconsider his choice. He has decided to not become Jewish, but miss class on Rosh Hashanah anyway in “solidarity.”