Listen up, you little shit. You may have heard of the time and true tradition of a “shoes-off” household, so I am going to blow your fucking mind with this one. 

My household? Strictly SHOES-ON!

You heard me right. If you enter MY home, you better believe that your shoes are staying right where they belong: your feet.

Now, some of you may be asking, why on earth would someone prefer that shoes be kept on in a house? That’s dirty, right? 

WRONG.

See that? Feet are fucking disgusting. But also kind of hot. No, never mind. But I know I’m not the only one who thinks that. 

Do you think I want to see your grimy leg hands caress my carpet? I can see your little piggies wrap around the fibers of my rug, strangling its strands with your vice grip? For all I know, you might have athlete’s foot? You probably do, you slimy little gremlin. Keep your goddamn shoes on. 

Sure, I’ve had the occasional sexual urge to suck on some toes. And that’s okay. It’s not like I have asked my husband to slap me right across the face with his sweaty, dirty foot. Mmmmm… I digress. Just save me from myself, alright? Keep your shoes on in this home. 

Please. Just keep them on.

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