BERKELEY, Calif. – Following revelations about multiple sexual assault allegations, UC Berkeley officials announced that sexual perpetrators would receive priority registration because they’d “do the same for their own sons.”

“We decided to enact this policy after an incident this year in which a student was condemned with 30+ testimonies and 180,000 signatures for his expulsion. This is entirely against our university standards as we have a Zero Tolerance Policy for bullying and doxxing, so we decided to take these alleged perpetrators under our right wing and provide a safe space for them to complete their studies,” said Vice Chancellor Marc Fisher. 

This has changed the discourse around allegations on campus, especially within the Greek community. “After Vice Chancellor Fisher’s email yesterday, I reported myself to the SVSH office and got my registration date changed on CalCentral. I can finally finish my third major and graduate a semester early stress-free”, said Grayson Cheung from Lambda Phi Epsilon. “As a victim of many allegations, I feel like my voice is finally being heard over all the women that have been ganging up on me,” said Clay Quan, also from Lambda Phi Epsilon.

After many years of this issue being swept under the rug, the university is hopeful that this change will prevent further instances of horny sorority girls “asking for it” from their polite male counterparts who only attend frat parties to hang out with their fellow bros.

“We know that learning about experiences such as these can bring up a variety of emotions, especially at an already challenging time in society. I hope our students also consider attending our Virtual Petting Zoo event or utilizing other community resources that can offer support to individuals who are impacted by sexual violence allegations,” said Vice Chancellor Fisher.

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