BERKELEY, Calif. – After decades of cat-calling women around Piedmont Circle from their fraternal balconies, the men of the fraternal row have decided to adopt strict raw diets so that girls will, in turn, bark back at them.

“Yesterday, I saw a TikTok of two girls barking at the camera, it was totally nuts. Right after that, I saw another video of this massive Siberian husky eating a fat plate of raw steak. I went straight to the comments, and I saw a ton of chicks going crazy over this dog. And that’s when it clicked — it wasn’t my comments on their bodies that were fucking me over, it was my lack of proper nourishment,” Sean Dulaney from Sigma Alpha Epsilon said.

According to members of the Interfraternity Council, the news seems to have traveled quite quickly.

“After Sean told us the news in our IFC GroupMe, I had to take immediate action. I reserved a gig, wrote down everything I needed on my Notes app, then went straight to Safeway. As soon as I got back to the house, I cooked — well, I guess, assembled — dinner. Two raw eggs, 2lbs of raw chicken, and some raw ground beef sprinkled on the top. I really hope it works,” Keshav Ashar from Pi Kappa Alpha said.

Keshav reportedly contracted salmonella the next morning, and Sean has been locked in a 2nd floor SAE bathroom stall since last night. Hopefully the top dogs recover soon to enlighten us with yet another grand idea.

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