BERKELEY, Calif. – Amid self-sequester mandates in UC Berkeley residence halls and an increase in UCPD presence to limit the spread of COVID-19, the university recently announced phase allocation of the COVID-19 vaccine to be determined by SAT score. 

Chancellor Christ endorsed this allocation method in her most recent email: “Dear Campus Community, we are writing today to let you know of plans to elevate the prestige of our campus community by prioritizing students with perfect to near-perfect SAT scores to receive the 3rd phase of the vaccine. We believe these changes will enhance our effectiveness in attracting and retaining our scholars and will add a new level of competition and a survival-of-the-fittest mentality to our future admissions and enrollment-related functions.”

As expected, this announcement garnered many strong opinions from the student population.

“As a Regents’ and Chancellor’s Scholar, I believe this is exactly the change our university needs. I want to thank Mama Christ for being a real one,” said Warren Peace. “I disagree with Warren – this phase allocation is completely inequitable for students that didn’t have the privileges of SAT bootcamps and tutors in high school,” said Gordon Trento. “I don’t know why we’re pressed about this. America is the strongest nation on the planet and the healthiest country in the world. Does anyone really believe that a fucking microbe could stand a chance against my insurance at Kaiser Permanante?” said Professor Caroline Calloway. 

While the responses from the student body are contradicting, Chancellor Christ will be meeting with Chancellor Christ from the Academic Senate to resolve these matters.

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