BERKELEY, Calif. — Since the recent admission decisions for Berkeley’s newest class of B.S. Business Administration students, a group of esteemed sophomores have organized the First Annual Zoom Circle Jerk on Google Calendar.

“This celebration is not as much about prestige as it is Confidence Without Attitude,” said sophomore Nicholas Diess, “Contrary to unpopular opinion, I didn’t need Haas — my daddy’s been networking for my junior summer internship at Goldman Sachs’ NY TMT group since I was in the womb — but I wanted Haas because of the brotherhood and camaraderie in the community that’s shown in events like these.” 

Junior Haas student Ryan Eli, who participated in last year’s in-person circle jerk, spoke up in agreement. 

“It’s really about Questioning the Status Quo. Since we already cyber-bully each other — anonymously, of course — and pick-and-choose who we cheat with, who’s to say that we shouldn’t be open to a greater range of emotions and explore something other than the sticks up our asses?” said Eli.

Senior Haas student Jin-woo Park had some closing words for his snakelets before the ceremony.

“Brothers of the University of California, Berkeley, Haas School of Business, we have all gathered here today because we believe in our defining principles of Students Always and Beyond Yourself. My Haas circle jerk was not my first, but it was definitely my most memorable. I encourage you all to recognize that the finish line is close, but the line to helping your brothers finish is closer. I hope that you leave tonight knowing that no matter what any B.A. Economics student tells you, you are a good person. Goodnight,” said Park.

At press time, live reporting is an unavailable option due to the confidentiality of the ceremony.

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