BERKELEY, Calif. – After months of prospective ASUC* runners campaigning and simply being annoying as fuck, John Doe from the ASUC* Elections Council has leaked the election results to The Free Peach. Here are the results:
President: Silly Goose
Executive Vice President: Furry Boi
Academic Affairs Vice President: Carol Christ
External Affairs Vice President: Pete Davidson
Student Advocate: X Æ A-12
Transfer Student Representative: Bryce Hall
ASUC Senate:
Rupi Kaur (Student Action) — 418
John Briginshaw (Independent)** — 418
Millie Bobby Brown (Independent) — 418
Amanda Mier (Independent) — 418
Doja Cat (Student Action) — 418
Jack Ma (Student Action) — 418
Stormi Webster (Student Action) — 418
Emma Chamberlain (Student Action) — 418
Martha Olney (Independent) — 418
Marc Fischer (Student Action) — 418
Anthony S. Fauci (Independent) — 418
Ms. Frizzle (Independent) — 418
Gill from Finding Nemo (Independent)** — 418
Miranda Cosgrove (Student Action) — 418
Noah Centineo (Independent) — 378.3
Greta Thunberg (Student Action) — 368.2
Courage the Cowardly Dog (Independent)** — 351.4
Malia Obama (Independent)** — 343
“Hell Yeah” guy (Independent) — 309.9
Major Biden (Independent) — 291.6
*All titles for identification purposes only.