It’s been a long day. You just pulled an all-nighter writing the second draft of your short story and you haven’t eaten anything except for a Nature Valley granola bar in the past twenty-four hours. You’ve dragged yourself onto the 51B with your reusable tote bags to pick up your weekly microwaveable Tikka Masala and frozen Orange Chicken from Trader Joe’s. You do your usual business, wink back at the cashier, then make your way back to the bus stop on University Avenue. Your heart drops when you see four other twenty-something-year-olds wearing the same TJ’s tote bags by the same bus stop, all looking down on their phones. You arrive, and the sexual tension rises. Sound familiar? Here are the top ten ways to cope.
- Play Flappy Bird
What better way is there to unleash the tension than playing a banned game that you downloaded in 2014?
2. Download Experian
No, seriously, download Experian.
3. Start eating your groceries
Because how else are you going to prove the other strangers on the bench that you’re the main character? Make your avocado toast then and there, girlboss.
4. Check if the Cyclebar across the street is open
This is most recommended if your bus stop companions are dressed in athleisure.
5. Take your birth control
I mean, if you’re going to send signals to the manic pixie girl with the Trader Joe’s tote bag on your left, you might as well let them know that you’re sexually active.
6. Refresh your transit app
Where the fuck is the 51B?
7. Check your credit score
It’s not like you know what that really means, but shit, did I really volunteer to pay the $500 tab at Triple Rock last night?
8. Pretend to have a good relationship with your parents
The classic fake parent call. Here’s a sample script: “Hi mom! Wait… are you at Equinox right now? Oh my god! You literally went yesterday. You’re such a silly goose. Yeah, my Tinder date went great, yep, she paid for dinner. Okay, enjoy the rest of your workout. Love you!”
9. Refresh the transit app again.
Really, where the fuck is it?
10. Text your ex
If (and only if) all else fails, and the 51B just never fucking comes, text your ex. But only if it doesn’t come.