Recently I was walking down Sproul recently with a friend and they mentioned that they live on the Southside of campus. I naturally got super excited — I didn’t know anyone who lived near Shattuck!
Then they had the audacity to tell me that what I thought was Southside was actually West. Um, what? I don’t understand how some people got into this school. I also don’t understand how they physically get here. Everyone learns in elementary school that North on the map points up, meaning the highest point of elevation. I mean I walk on Bancroft and can just tell that walking towards I-House is north, and towards the RSF is south. Bancroft is vertical. It goes north to south. It’s just an innate part of my sense of direction.
If Bancroft actually goes east to west, it would mean that the placement of all the buildings in Berkeley fails to obey basic facts and logic. Cory and all the EECS classes are on the west side of campus. Why? Because the West Coast is the center of Big Tech. Clark Kerr and Frat Row are in the Northeast, just like how all the rich white Ivy League students are. VLSB, where all the animal specimens are stored, is in the Midwest — where do people hunt? In the Midwest. The Campanile is dead center of campus just like how Big Ben is dead center down the Prime Meridian. Where are the vast majority of the Boba stores? In the eastern part of the city, just like how Taiwan is in the eastern part of the globe, on account of how the globe is flat. If you keep going south you reach the Bay, just like how if you keep going south you reach the ocean.
Need I go on? Just do the research for yourself! We don’t need the establishment to tell us which way directions are! We just need facts, logic, and the cutesy map painted on the wall in Toss!
This was easily the funniest thing I’ve read in the past 4 months. How do I join this?
Check out the “Join Us” tab on the site for application information! Our Fall semester hiring has concluded, but there’s always a form so we can get in trust with interested people.