BERKELEY, Calif – Haas senior Drew Balzarian struck inspiration while watching Squid Game recently.
“I don’t usually watch TV, I’m too busy checking my Robinhood portfolio and mansplaining venture capital to first year girls I wanna trying to fuck. I don’t know why it’s a movie and not a business model. The dumbass director probably didn’t even care how much money he could make off of this. People keep saying ‘it’s satire,’ but it doesn’t have to be! I have 50 SF VC funds who are interested right now! Jeff Bezos offered to host it on The Moon so we don’t run into the mistakes we saw in the series.”
Drew, apparently, wasn’t exaggerating that many high level investors have shown interest in Drew’s startup pitch.
“I don’t know how to tell him this isn’t an original pitch,” Silicon Valley Investor/VC Fund manager/devil’s advocate Anthony Richard IV commented on Drew’s start up idea. “These already exist. Squid Game was a documentary! But the games are super profitable so we’re always looking to profit off of people hunting people. I would say it’s up there with Big Pharma and Real Estate.”
Co-creator/friend/Drew’s pledgebro, Jack Granger, has publicly defended the startup.
“No one was forced to play,” says Jack Granger, a man with a trust fund. “People have always been afraid of ingenuity and risks. Also, maybe it’s not the ‘politically correct’ thing to say, but I didn’t realize our followers cared about poor people like that.”
Follow Drew’s Instagram @fuckbitchesgetbitcoin for updates on the company’s valuation and IPO projections.