BERKELEY, Calif. – After a weekend of ideating, designing, coding, and collaborating, the world’s largest collegiate hackathon came to an end. However, at Cal Hacks 8.0’s climax posed a new question: Does Cal fuck?
Although no straight answer exists for such a girthy question, there were some consistencies that were reported from the recent Anything with a PULSE survey.
The survey found various definitions of “fucking”: 33% of individuals in fraternities agreed that fucking “does not need to be consensual”, 96% of the English department’s faculty agreed that fucking is “a vulgar used as an intensive,” and 75% of BYU students who snuck their way into the survey agreed that “fucking doesn’t count if neither individual is partaking in thrusting during penetrative sex.”
The survey also revealed that Cal fucks on a seasonal calendar: 6.9% of all respondents reported that they frequently fucked to the Campanile’s expansive repertoire of bell tunes, 50% of student respondents reported that they were fucking regularly during Welcome Week and any time the Basic Needs Center handed out free condoms on Sproul, and an alarming 96% of faculty respondents reported that they were fucking on a daily basis during RRR Week.
Finally, an optional feedback question at the end of the survey allowed respondents to provide more intimate commentary on whether or not they think Cal fucks.
“I am the strongest advocate for being fucking-curious. Being fucking-curious means taking some time away from school to assess your relationship with other individuals amongst the student body— and how your life might be better with them inside of you,” said the Dean of Students Joseph Fuchs in his response.
“I’d say that Cal occasionally fucks, and honestly, I prefer it over being hacked,” said the Head of Cybersecurity Todd Bondy.
At press time, campus was planning to send out a late-night follow up survey to determine if “u up? haha.”