BERKELEY, Calif. – Following celebrations of his ‘last first’ lecture and his ‘last first’ Taco Tuesday, Senior Dan Sobbing had his last first mental breakdown of the school year after confidently answering a question wrong in discussion.
“I’m one year away from being in the real world and doing actual work that has consequences and I can’t even answer a goddamn intro topic easy-peasy kindergarten level question in my discussion section? I’m already feeling nostalgic about this being the last time I’ll get to experience an existential crisis at this incredible institution of learning,” yelled Sobbing while making a sandwich out of room temperature Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop Tarts, oreos, and jolly ranchers. “If I can’t get validation from getting answers correct and competing for better grades than my peers, what do I have to live for outside of the cocoon of college life? I’m so glad this university took my thousands of dollars of tuition money to give me such wonderfully traumatic moments I’ll cherish for a lifetime,” he continued,frantically searching online for jobs that are “willing to hire idiots like me.”
The incident in discussion prompted Sobbing’s friend, Senior Jim Quantance, to reflect on their friendship’s highs and lows.
“We’ve been friends since freshman year and have experienced a lot of firsts together,” explained Senior Jim Quaintance, who was attempting to schedule a 3-minute power nap in between 7 hours of classes on his Google Calendar. “I’m already feeling so nostalgic for those previous mental breakdowns, from when I couldn’t go to a single office hours for CS61B because of the long wait, to the time Dan just saw a group of freshmen being happy and then laid face down on Sproul for an hour. They say we’ll have mental breakdowns after college but it just won’t be the same as it was during the best four years of our lives. Go Bears!” Quaintance cheered while sobbing into his “Human Touch Replacement” branded weighted blanket.
Enthusiastic sophomore and classmate of Sobbing, Rohan Mathur, discussed the incident at great length.
“I was in Dan’s discussion where he got the question wrong,” explained Sophomore Rohan Mathur. “Immediately after the inciting incident of his spiral, I answered our GSI’s question correctly and succinctly. Even though I am an underclassmen, I’m taking this upper division class. I guess I’m just an overachiever. I don’t know. People are saying that. To be honest, I’m pretty jealous of Dan because he’s already experienced so many mental breakdowns for every reason imaginable and I’ve only had one year worth of Berkeley-induced crises so far,” he added, before proceeding to stare at his perfect 4.0 GPA for three unbroken hours.
After experiencing his last first mental breakdown of the school year, Sobbing celebrated another ‘last first time,’ when he swiped his Clipper Card to get on the 51B but it didn’t work immediately so he held up everyone trying to get on the bus for a good 30 seconds.