A Failure of the Justice System: Turkey Pardoned by Biden Murders Twelve

“In my thirty-five years of committing horrific injustices, I have never seen an injustice this horrific,” opined Police Chief Rubnock P. Postlethwaite of Brook County, South Dakota (which is hundreds of miles away from Washington D.C. and has no connection to the mass homicide incident). “Honestly, my heart goes out to the families. No turkey should be allowed to go around murdering civilians like that. That’s the job of trained law enforcement.” 

Breaking: Student Delivering Condoms on Duffl Scooter Fails to Come Before I Do

“I came as fast as I could!” exclaimed Cooper distraughtly the next morning, normally an expert at coming quickly. “I am extremely passionate about Duffling, and I feel great defeat that I was beat in this challenging race. As it’s written in neon lights outside our homebase, ‘Duffl Fucks,’ but last night, I feel as if I got fucked, hard.”