America, we will never be able to agree on everything. We all want what’s best for our country, and we all have different ideas of …
Student Awarded Regents Scholarship After Eating Slice of Artichoke’s Using Just One Plate
BERKELEY, Calif. — Peter Johnson has been awarded a Regents Scholarship after eating an entire whopping, enormous, fat slice from Artichoke’s Pizza using only a …
Carol Christ Restricts Commencement Availability to Her OnlyFans
BERKELEY, Calif. – Amid the ongoing pandemic, universities across the country are changing their graduation plans. “UC Berkeley’s commencement ceremony is no light fare,” said …
Late Night Texts from UCBWarnMe Making it Hard for Quarantined Cal Student to Get Over Not Being with Campus Anymore
Like many of the other quarantined Cal students, Christine Waters had spent many nights missing campus. She was handling the break-up pretty well for a …
Admissions Board Releases the Kraken from the Waitlist
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a huge move for campus diversity, the UC Berkeley Admissions Board has opted to admit its first Pacific Oceaner student. “Down, …
Trump Solves Coronavirus by Stopping Testing
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House issued a press release yesterday explaining how President Trump has resolved the COVID-19 pandemic by halting all testing, after Dr. Harold …
Woman’s Yeast Infection Repurposed for Sourdough Starter
FULLERTON, Calif.— Fullerton resident Jeanine Woodrow recently repurposed her pesky yeast infection to create a sourdough starter during the statewide shelter in place mandate. “I …
Oh Yeah, Totally: UC Berkeley Students Lose Competitive Edge Because Classes Are P/NP
In an unthinkable turn of events, the university’s recent move to default classes as “Pass/No Pass” has wreaked havoc far and wide on the one …
Lori Loughlin Changes Defense Strategy, Claims USC Crew Team Is Now Rowing Just as Much as Olivia Jade Did in High School
LOS ANGELES, Calif. — Last year Lori Loughlin was accused of paying $500,000 to get her two daughters, Olivia Jade and Isabella Rose, into USC …
In Lieu of Tuition Relief, Carol Christ Offers Each Student an Otter Pop
BERKELEY, Calif. – Recognizing the hefty price tag of an inadequate education, UC Berkeley Chancellor Carol Christ has announced an update to the university’s …