Report: Everyone Here Knows You’ve Never Worn That Hat Before

“It’s sad, really,” shared that girl from your discussion section who always wears really cool outfits. “They’re just trying so hard. I happen to wear really awesome clothes and look incredible all the time, but I do it with zero effort. Everyone knows that if you look like you’re trying to be cool, the coolness is completely undermined. And honestly, I can’t believe they even remotely thought we wouldn’t notice how much effort they’re putting in by wearing that hat. I just feel bad.”

OPINION: Student-Athlete? I Just Walked From Dwinelle to Wheeler

This is all to say that I think that I should get all of the clout and attention of the student athletes. We share so many attributes like not being paid for our daily hardships (mine being my ten minute walk between classes, theirs being a silly little three hour morning practice before a full day of classes). If my request is denied, I will take matters into my own hands (which, by the way, I did not use at all while walking up the stairs) and borrow my sister’s volleyball knee pads so it looks like I’m injured. I will then proceed to wear said knee brace over my jeans so that I can reasonably justify calling myself an Uber in between classes without feeling like I’m out of shape.

OPINION: I Should Be Allowed To Steal Things From Time to Time

If I want to steal one of those gentrifier metal stools from Super Duper Burgers or between 10-33 of the VLSB dinosaur bones, I should be able to. After all, I am the protagonist and everything is part of MY movie. But for some reason, according to an email from the office of Carol Christ, I’m apparently “banned from every restaurant, store, and classroom in the Berkeley metropolitan area for obvious reasons.”