PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. – Millions of people gathered today to witness the beautiful, sacred tradition that has blessed the lands of Punxsutawney for generations: Groundhog Day. …
Opinion: Where The Fuck is Barker?
The semester started like every other: I swear that I’ll go to lecture. I miss my bus that was seven minutes late. I curse fate for inhibiting learning that I truly value and show up for. I pull up CalCentral 10 minutes before class to make sure all my classes are in Dwinelle like usual. That is, until I see it: Rhetoric-103B, Barker 101.
Savant Junior Who ‘Has a Lot of AP Credits’ and Is Graduating Early Crowned ‘World’s Smartest Man’
While a well-deserved victory and recognition of Biggs’ gargantuan achievements, the title isn’t an effortless one to bear — without continually letting all of his peers know his unit count and test scores, Biggs might risk losing his award.
Professor Outraged: Disabled Student Stuck in Elevator Doesn’t Even Show Up for Class
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a brazen move, CED junior Clarisa Flores has missed the first two weeks of classes after getting trapped in Wheeler’s elevator, …
Tragic! This Mayfly Will Live Its Entire Life on a Monday
“There are fates worse than death, and this is one of them,” explained entomologist and mayfly welfare enthusiast Garfield Garfield, who hasn’t experienced death yet and seems to lack the credentials necessary to make this bold claim. “I wish I could help the little guy out, I really do, but I am afraid there is nothing to be done. Perhaps with a bit of effort and the right environmental conditions, the mayfly will make it to Tuesday morning, but at what cost? Forced to endure the living Hell that is the first day of the work week…to have its soul slowly but effectively crushed by the relentless gears of corporate capitalism? And all of this just to lick the unwashed taint of a slightly-less-shitty day? It’s probably best to just squish the poor thing right now and relieve it of its misery.”
SUPERB Updates Crowd Control Measures by Promising That All Future Performances Will Only Feature Nickelback
BERKELEY, Calif.— Following a severe failure at crowd control during their Soulja Boy concert last Friday, ASUC SUPERB has promised to update their crowd control …
INVESTIGATION: Does SUPERB Know About Our Massive Outdoor Greek Theater?
BERKELEY, Calif.– Following Friday’s horrific Soulja Boy crowd-crush, many among the student body have raised serious questions surrounding the planning of the concert. With Pauley …
Soulja Boy to Release 15 Minute Set List for Superb Extravaganza
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal students were overjoyed this morning as leaked set list for Soulja Boy revealed his concert will consist of “Kiss Me Through …
Out-of-State Student Declares Bankruptcy Instead of Major
BERKELEY, Calif. – Sophomore Bridget Martin wanted to be a computer science major, but due to the high tuition costs for out-of-state students, she has …
Berkeley’s Hottest New Indie Band Actually Just MacBook Overheating
“It’s hard to describe. It’s just so ethereal. But I think it’s because she seems to come from this great line of independent, vanguard artists who exist at the forefront of experimental music. I can’t really do it justice but I’d say it’s like Gorillaz if Damon Albarn was a sensitive English major from Canada. So Grimes I guess, but more tinged with the concussive moodiness of Aphex Twin and the hypnotic transcendent quality of say, Tame Impala (which, if you didn’t know, is also a one person band). You’ve probably never even heard of half these artists, but trust– if you knew them, you’d get it. Maybe if more people actually grew up and developed their music taste instead of listening to whatever Spotify puts on their Top 100 playlist, then artistry like that wouldn’t go under appreciated. But continue supporting your industry plants or whatever.”