Buckle up, Thanksgiving season is here, which means it’s that time of the year where you get to sit down and get down and dirty …
Opinion: Berkeley High Must Return To In-Person Instruction Because the Cool 10th Graders Hanging On Telegraph Are Making Me Insecure
As I’m sure many are aware, the number of coronavirus cases in California has reached an unprecedented level of severity, warranting a government-mandated curfew and …
UC Berkeley Gives Alleged Sexual Assailants Priority Registration Because They’d Do the Same If It Was Their Son
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following revelations about multiple sexual assault allegations, UC Berkeley officials announced that sexual perpetrators would receive priority registration because they’d “do the …
Study Finds Oski Just Guy in Suit
BERKELEY, Calif. – Researchers at the University of California were shocked to find the dark truth about their beloved mascot. “We had always assumed Oski …
Tell Us Your Professor’s Zoom Background and We’ll Tell You What Dry Grocery Makes Them Cry For Their Youth
On Zoom, some professors sport a blazer and some appear each morning as though they just shoved their head into a blender and awoke from …
Risky! Frat Bro Decides to Invest in Pfizer Despite Warnings From His Right-Wing Facebook Group
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following their recent vaccine announcement, FIJI brother Brandon Dix took a risk and invested in Pfizer despite the various warnings and conspiracies …
Local Man Changes Room’s LED Light Strip From Purple to Red, Still Gets No Pussy
BERKELEY, Calif. – This Saturday, Berkeley resident and T*ry L*nez advocate Ethan Stites made a decision worth celebrating. In a groundbreaking move deemed worthy of …
UCSF Begins COVID Drug Trial With Those Pills That Turn Into Dinosaurs in Water
SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. – As COVID continues to confound doctors and ravage the nation, experts at the University of California, San Francisco have begun to …
Crime Reported: 31,000 Students Robbed of In Person Semester
UC Berkeley Police Department Please note this message definitely contains information. I mean like, we’re using italics. You know shit’s serious when an email starts …
KKG Accidentally Bids Diverse Class Due To Blind Rush
BERKELEY, Calif. – With the beginning of the school year going virtual and racial tensions higher than ever after Berkeley’s Panhellenic Community reposted pastel pictures …