WASHINGTON, D.C.– After a stressful day of prompting AI to make racist videos for social media, Epstein associate Donald Trump held a brief press conference …
UC Berkeley Celebrates Ranking over UCLA in the Epstein Files
BERKELEY, Calif – Upon the release of millions of files related to the ongoing investigation into billionaire and convicted sex-trafficker Jeffery Epstein’s estate, members of …
OPINION: Why I’ll Be Skipping the Super Bowl to Watch “Melania”
At first glance, the Superbowl is the highest form of American art: it has gambling, violence, advertising, and drunk Philadelphians. What’s not to love? However, …
UC Berkeley Announces New Technical DJ Program
BERKELEY, Calif. – Last Thursday, UC Berkeley students were surprised when school administrators announced the new research program (Undergraduate Educational Dance Music, “UEDM”) dedicated to …
Yes, Everyone Saw You Watching Heated Rivalry Edits on the First Day of Lecture
DWINELLE 150, Calif.- Look, while syllabus week can at times feel repetitive and boring, it doesn’t mean I can’t see you watching fullscreen fan edits …
Heartbreaking: Ex is Better Off Without You
MIAMI, Fl. – After a crazy night out in Miami, it’s official: your ex is doing sooooo much better without you. The night was so …
Trump Pardons Turkeys of Sex Crimes
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In traditional holiday spirit, President Trump pardoned not one, but two lucky and surely culpable turkeys. The two turkeys, named Clill Binton …
Wilcox Still Gets the Axe
BERKELEY, Calif. – In preparation for the Big Game, Chancellor Rich Lyons, General Manager Ron Rivera and 3-time mascot heavyweight champion Oski met with Justin …
“Trump Sucks!” No Longer an Opinion
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The President has long been accused of “sucking,” of “horsing around” in office, but the Head of State has never allowed himself …
Campanile Sagging Totally Normal in Old Age
BERKELEY, Calif — Following another disappointing night, the Campanile is coming to terms with it no longer being as erect as it used to be. …