When I’m at Moffitt, the world around me ceases to exist. As I drift into an overdue stats assignment, I blend into one of the …
‘Princess and the Frog’ GONE WRONG: Creature I Kissed Still Fugly and Broke
Look. It was dark. I was newly single. I’d had one too many Vodka Red Bulls. And by one too many… I mean just …
Stench of RSF Weight Room Attributed to Lethal Pathogen “Gymbrostink”
BERKELEY, Calif.— After decades upon decades of investigation into the smell of the Recreational Sports Facility (RSF) Weight Room, A team of UC Berkeley Chemists …
UC Berkeley Celebrates Ranking As #1 Producer Of Startups Most Likely To End Humanity
BERKELEY, Calif. — Pitchbook recently released the 2026 rankings of universities by how many startups their graduates have founded. UC Berkeley tops the list for …
OPINION: If You Don’t Say Grace Before Eating Ass, You’re Not A Christian
The Bible says to give thanks for your daily bread. It says nothing about daily cake, but I’m not taking any chances. In the words …
Man Who Uses Seated Veo Scooter Also Pees Sitting Down
BERKELEY, Calif. – Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No. It’s a full-grown man riding a seated scooter at 4 miles an hour. …
Philosophy Major Ponders Why Friends Don’t Have Their Dads’ Credit Cards
BERKELEY, Calif. — Berkeley undergraduate philosophy major Andrew Houston, who is particularly interested in Aristotelian metaphysics, spent much of last weekend pondering the question of …
Scam Alert! Cal Football Sells Soul, Still Sucks
BERKELEY, Calif. – Cal Football coach Tosh Lupoi was seen fuming after UC Berkeley’s recent naming rights deal with AI Company Databricks was revealed to …
SF AI Billboards All Replaced With Scottish Gaelic, Become More Legible
SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. – A parade broke out in San Francisco last Saturday after all AI billboards were replaced with ancient, untranslated Scottish proverbs overnight, …
JK! Sagapolutele Enters Transfer Portal
BERKELEY, Calif. – Two days after a tragic loss to Clemson, four-star QB and projected NFL draft top pick JKS announced his intent to transfer …