“It’s sad, really,” shared that girl from your discussion section who always wears really cool outfits. “They’re just trying so hard. I happen to wear really awesome clothes and look incredible all the time, but I do it with zero effort. Everyone knows that if you look like you’re trying to be cool, the coolness is completely undermined. And honestly, I can’t believe they even remotely thought we wouldn’t notice how much effort they’re putting in by wearing that hat. I just feel bad.”
Timed Exam: Finish Your Latte Before the Straw Disintegrates
BERKELEY, Calif.– As surely as summer follows spring, the never-ending midterm season follows summer and has again descended upon UC Berkeley – except this time you have a surprise exam at Strada.
Man Compensates for Small Dick by Being a Huge One
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following complaints that he is ‘unsatisfactory’ in bed, local MET student Will Weenis has decided to forgo claiming to have a huge …
OPINION: Student-Athlete? I Just Walked From Dwinelle to Wheeler
This is all to say that I think that I should get all of the clout and attention of the student athletes. We share so many attributes like not being paid for our daily hardships (mine being my ten minute walk between classes, theirs being a silly little three hour morning practice before a full day of classes). If my request is denied, I will take matters into my own hands (which, by the way, I did not use at all while walking up the stairs) and borrow my sister’s volleyball knee pads so it looks like I’m injured. I will then proceed to wear said knee brace over my jeans so that I can reasonably justify calling myself an Uber in between classes without feeling like I’m out of shape.
Berkeley Thrifters Immune to Earthquakes Due to How Retrofitted They Are
“I was sitting in my car in one of the Nobel laureate parking spots, dreaming of a future where I could go there during the day and not in the dead of night when nobody would tow me, when everything came together: the earthquake didn’t want to shake that student because it didn’t want to damage their vintage Rick Owens.”
OPINION: I Should Be Allowed To Steal Things From Time to Time
If I want to steal one of those gentrifier metal stools from Super Duper Burgers or between 10-33 of the VLSB dinosaur bones, I should be able to. After all, I am the protagonist and everything is part of MY movie. But for some reason, according to an email from the office of Carol Christ, I’m apparently “banned from every restaurant, store, and classroom in the Berkeley metropolitan area for obvious reasons.”
REPORT: Nobel Laureate Really Sucks at Parking
Do you recall the Loma Prieta earthquake of 1989? The Little Ice Age? The Big Bang? No, no, of course you don’t. You have never seen truly terrible parking.
Holy Shit: GSI Just Cursed in Front of His Students Because He’s Chill Like That
BERKELEY, Calif. – Jaws and pencils hit the floor today when GSI Daniel Leaver dropped an f-bomb in front of his students, signaling far and wide that yeah, he’s pretty effing chill.
OPINION: My Tummy Hurts and I Really Need Someone to Care About It
If I don’t make it, let these, my last words, make their way to the public and let the public know that today, they lost a brave soldier. (But also if someone brought me some Tums or something I might be fine?)
Five Irish Jigs That Will Definitely Get You Her Snapchat
There’s no wrong place to bust out a good old Irish jig. Think about it—when was the last time you thought, “why is that person polka dancing in the middle of Sproul?” That’s right, you haven’t! We know life gets busy, which is why we took the time to compile the top five jigs that are guaranteed to get you her Snapchat.