BERKELEY, Calif – In a surprising turn of events, UC Berkeley’s Cafe 3 dining hall has been slated to undergo a variety of renovations. The …
To Those Ordering a ‘Flat White’ at Yali’s: I Am NOT on the Menu
Just as the Campanile bells toll for the start of the hour, caffeine-deprived students far and wide rush to my place of work, the last-standing …
UC Berkeley #1 in Number of Templated Hackathon App Creators Calling Themselves ‘Founders’ on LinkedIn
BERKELEY, Calif. — After routinely residing at the top of reputable rankings lists such as bobsratings.com, BestSchoolz, and InflateMyEgo, UC Berkeley once again leaps ahead …
OPINION: Academic Weapon? I Aced my Syllabus Quiz
In an institution as competitive as UC Berkeley, few students are strangers to imposter syndrome: the crippling fear that you aren’t good enough, smart enough, …
Wicked! Professor Puts Meme on Slide About Excused Absences
BERKELEY, Calif. — Last week, hundreds of Berkeley professors premiered syllabus-review lectures only to receive blank stares, disinterest, and rotten tomatoes. But one man defied …
Bears Finally Go
BERKELEY, Calif. — “Go, Bears!” hecklers finally got their wish this Saturday when the Bears of the Class of 2023 officially abandoned this godforsaken shitshow we call UC Berkeley and set off for greener pastures.
“I’m so glad those miserable cunts finally got the hint and left,” said Vice Chancellor Marc Fisher in an unofficial statement to an invasive Argentine ant on his fingernail. “I’ve spent the past four years trying to tell these idiots to get the hell out of dodge—posting updates on the never-ending PG&E wildfires, providing play-by-play accounts of every COVID-19 infection detected in Berkeley’s wastewater, changing the mode of instruction every six weeks, forwarding WarnMe emails about crimes that span the entire length and breadth of Berkeley’s Municipal Code. Somehow, in spite of all of that, those chuckleheads stayed. They’re morons for sure, but there’s something about their stubbornness that I can’t help but admire. I think I might almost feel a little sad to see them go.” At this point, Fisher emitted a bizarre, slurpy-sniffling noise. “I’m not crying; you’re crying!” Observers were unable to confirm whether or not the Argentine ant on Fisher’s fingernail was, in fact, crying.
Professor Offers Penalty Kicks in Lieu of Final Exam
BERKELEY, Calif.– Much to the surprise of students enrolled in GLBL 187, “Bullshit Exams and their Cultural Heritage,” Friday the 12th presented an unexpected subversion …
‘It’s Not You, It’s Me,’ Says Doe Library Lamp to Any Charger in Existence Attempting to Plug In
“It’s not you, it’s me,” stated the Doe lamp. “We just don’t fit together. I’m never going to change, even if it would make the lives of thousands of students much easier.”
‘Sit Closer, I Don’t Bite!’ Urges GSI Who Doesn’t Know That I Do
“We’re not starting class until everyone moves up to the front. Sit closer, I don’t bite!” I looked around at the five other students who still attend section, wondering if Ned really needed us to move closer. Was this another GSI power trip? I knew he wasn’t a biter, but he clearly underestimated the power of a now-annoyed undergraduate student who skipped breakfast this morning. Maybe I should teach him a lesson. My mouth began to water at the thought of sinking my canines into Ned’s freckled arm. The sound of his howl would truly be music to my ears as I’d leave him with a permanent tattoo of my chompers. Who is Ned to tell me what to do!?
Shame! Moffitt to No Longer Count Full Costco Rotisserie Chicken as Snack
“It’s discrimination and a miscarriage of justice through and through. It’s quite simple and plain in fact, unlike Costco’s delectable rotisserie chickens.”