Hot and Cold: Natural Phenomenon Otherwise Known as “Weather” Grips Berkeley

BERKELEY, Calif. – Various students across campus have reported, particularly when speaking to their class acquaintances while waiting out Berkeley time, that sunny, warm days are now transitioning into cooler, wetter periods. These varying temperatures have also been referred to by some as “the weather.”

“Yeah, it’s like, now it’s cold??” began sophomore Kady Gershwin. “It was so hot the other day, I literally had to wear shorts and a tank top. Then, all of a sudden, this morning it was literally freezing! I’m actually wearing a sweatshirt if you can believe it, it’s just that chilly. What is even going on here!” 

​​Haas Senior Watches Squid Game, Has Innovative Startup Idea

Berkeley, Calif – Haas senior Drew Balzarian struck inspiration while watching Squid Game recently. 

“I don’t usually watch TV, I’m too busy checking my Robinhood portfolio and mansplaining venture capital to first year girls I wanna trying to fuck. I don’t know why it’s a movie and not a business model. The dumbass director probably didn’t even care how much money he could make off of this. People keep saying ‘it’s satire,’ but it doesn’t have to be! I have 50 SF VC funds who are interested right now! Jeff Bezos offered to host it on The Moon so we don’t run into the mistakes we saw in the series.”

Berkeley Student Well-Being Emails to Remind You That You Are a Piece of Shit

New this week: Why Being Not a Fucking Piece of Shit Is the Latest Self-Care Trend

Have you ever woken up and thought to yourself, “Wow, I’m a Piece of Shit!”? Well, we experts at Berkeley Student Well-Being know. We’re here to tell you that that one missing piece of your self care routine is NOT using facemasks, NOT increasing general hygiene, NOT regular teeth brushing, NOT wiping thoroughly, but rather just: trying harder to NOT be a Piece of Shit. JFC. It’s not that hard (neither the process nor the shit itself!)

Regular Friends Living in Regular House Need a Reality Show

BERKELEY, Calif — A local house of college students has declared their desire for a reality focusing solely on them, according to recently-screenshotted groupchat data.

“No, we need a reality show,” senior Honah Jill stated Thursday in a conversation regarding the uniqueness of his college group housing situation. “We live just like real people, but, like, funnier and more random. Remember last Tuesday when I instigated that text fight about the dishes, but I had forgotten that it was me who left them in the sink? Imagine the confessional for that. People would eat that up.”