BERKELEY, Calif. – In a win for Michelle Obama, Morgan Spurlock, and my mom: Moffitt Library has recently updated its food and drink consumption regulations to include “no Costco Rotisserie Chicken.” 

A university spokesperson shared a comment.

“Our current stance is that Moffitt is a food-and-drink friendly place that serves students of all majors and is open for the longest hours. However, as of this Tuesday, Costco Rotisserie Chickens will no longer be allowed in the building for consumption due to concerns that the tender, delicious meat will warp the wood tables because of how juicy and succulent each bite is.” 

Self labeled student “snactivists” have responded to this development dramatically.

“It’s authoritarian,” said third year civil engineering major Patty Poultry. “As a university student, I don’t have the socioeconomic capability nor the time to buy local chickens, butcher them, and then carefully roast them on a spit. It’s discrimination and a miscarriage of justice through and through. It’s quite simple and plain in fact, unlike Costco’s delectable rotisserie chickens.”

Patty continued, saying, “Everyone knows that Moffitt’s cafeteria lights are perfect for illuminating succulent meats. What good is Moffitt being open for the longest hours if they are all Costco rotisserie chicken-less hours? If I wanted to be depressed, I would go to Main Stacks.”

In response to the outcry, the University has offered a middle ground, allowing Berkeley Rotisserie Chicken to be available for sale at Free Speech Movement Cafe starting today. Protesters were not impressed. 

“Do you know how hard it is to scan a problem set when you’re choking on dry-ass rotisserie chicken?” Fourth year Haas Student James Jameson complained. “I don’t know because I’ve never done homework, but I’m sure it’s bad! Regardless, the University now has a complete monopoly on rotisserie chickens. It’s unacceptable, and this monopoly didn’t even give me a summer internship either.”

At press time, Patty was seen entering Moffit with an extra backpack, which many observers thought smelled of Costco rotisserie chicken. Patty did not respond for comment.

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