Ah, Trader Joe’s, the token liberal supermarket we all know and love. When you’re not spending an egregious amount of time getting ready to make the trip over, flirting shamelessly with the staff (which obviously means doing absolutely nothing but smiling and hoping they appreciate the thrifted outfit you donned just for the occasion), or bonding with literally any person ever about how the Trader Joe’s version of Takis are far superior to regular Takis (hello, freshman year talking point!), you’re doing whatever you can to make Trader Joe’s an embarrassingly large part of your personality. So large, in fact, that you have been positively dying for a chance to get your hands on a Trader Joe’s sweatshirt. How absolutely incredible would that be? You’d let the world know that you are no average supermarket goer — you are one definite cut above.
The question is how to get your hands on one. While nobody should ever underestimate the power of a stellar blowjob — and if that is the course of action you choose then all the power to you, my fond, fellatio friend — but we do have some alternative methods so that all bases (interpret this metaphor as you wish) are covered.
1. Invent a new classic Trader Joe’s item.
You’ve always known that Buffalo Chicken Wing Jam would totally take off if someone gave it a chance, so you pitch it to the Trader Joe’s marketing team — they’re amazed. You’re the perfect candidate because you don’t even want a cut of the profits. All you want as compensation for your brilliant proposal? A Trader Joe’s sweatshirt. The deal is swiftly made, and true to your instincts, Buffalo Chicken Wing Jam is a massive hit. The people have finally been given what they want; across the nation, foodies, fellow Trader Joe’s enthusiasts, vloggers, suburban mothers, everyone sings your praises. Though while the glow of this accomplishment warms your heart, it is the springlike, buttery soft cotton of your Trader Joe’s sweatshirt that maintains true warmth and brings tears to your eyes.
2. Steal a sweatshirt from an employee.
This may seem like a simple option, but you’d then be forgetting the trickiest part of thievery, which is determining your victim. Frequent your local Trader Joe’s a little more than usual, get to know the lay of the land, figure out the shift schedule, maybe eavesdrop on a conversation or two. You soon gather that Jeff, the manager, thinks that Willa did a poor job with the Almond Butter-covered-Almonds display, and it’s clear as day that Jacey agrees (the display truly is horrendous), but Jacey can’t say anything because Willa is her favorite coworker, plus Willa is a sensitive bitch. Dave tries raising the issue with Willa, but in typical Dave fashion, he gets sidetracked talking about his miniature plane collection. Yes, we all saw your new mini McDonnell Douglas DC-9 model, Dave!! Obviously, Willa is in a vulnerable place right now, so it would be cruel to go for her, and Jeff calls everyone “pal,” but, like, not in a condescending way, so he’s chill. Dave has a goddamn miniature plane patch on his sweatshirt so that’s an obvious no. Jacey it is! And she’s prettier than you, so she kind of deserves it anyways.
3. Simply get a job at Trader Joe’s.
Are you extremely attractive and eager to validate others through furtive glances and mild compliments that patrons will over analyze and interpret as flirtation? Then just work there! The sweatshirt comes with the job. And oh — oh god, it looks good on you. The dark chocolate peanut butter cups are your favorite too? Just have sex with me already.
4. Work your way up through Wall Street until you’re powerful enough to really do some damage from insider trading. Bankrupt Trader Joe’s.
When they go under, all of the sweatshirts they’ve been producing will have to be ridden somehow, and to Goodwill you are certain they will go. The thought of finding a Trader Joe’s sweatshirt sitting innocently on a clothing rack with a $4.99 price tag practically makes your mouth water. You spend years working your way up the treacherous ladder of corporate America, earning the respect of CEOs, CFOs, and every other acronym in between. Finally, as one of the richest people in the nation, you pull the plug. And then. . . it backfires. Now that they’re closing, Trader Joe’s merch is even more desirable, armed with the power of a limited supply and a skyrocketing demand born from nostalgia and the clawing, consumerist need to own tangible mementos; it’s like Flappy Bird but worse. Sweatshirts are going for $500 and up on Depop and eBay, Youtubers are making videos recreating “vintage” Trader Joe’s snacks, and now Nike is releasing a Trader Joe’s collab with hibiscus flower-printed Air Force 1s. A minor investigation from the IRS and the FBI immediately brings your criminal activity to light as you barely even tried to hide it, you just put everything in a folder on your computer titled “Do Not Open,” the only thing on your mind was getting that sweatshirt and you never even stopped to consider the repercussions. Night after night, you lay in jail, the elusive sweatshirt haunting your feverish dreams, forced to reckon with the knowledge that capitalism has beaten you once again.