With the recent swath of sexual intercourse we’re certain you had on Valentine’s Day, we know what’s on your mind – Why are my genitals burning? Do I have chlamydia? Seeing as your unscrupulous urinary tract saw some prodding recently, we’ve aggregated a list of the best places to find out that your Tang Center-sponsored STD test came back 100% positive for Chlamydia. Clap Clap.
10.) The Abandoned Clark Kerr Building:
Nothing says “Wow! I’ve acquired a highly preventable but alarmingly prevalent sexually transmitted illness!” like an abandoned building in the middle of a student housing site, which itself is in the middle of a city with a homelessness crisis. Fun and topical!
9.) The actual bedroom you fucked In:
Okay, your partner was a chiller and asked for your consent before switching from cowgirl to reverse cowgirl. But, their bedroom smelt like Natty Light, bong water, and they kept playing “My Neck, My Back” unironically as they came. Regardless of the subpar ambiance, the fact that you actually contracted an illness in these conditions is humor enough to constitute a spot on this list.
8.) Cheese N’ Stuff:
Everyone knows the best way to find out that the reason your urinary tract feels as though it swallowed Tapatio sauce is to be in the middle of buying a shittily made, disproportionately over-mayonaised sandwich that you could easily make at home if you had enough wherewithal to cook for yourself, let alone wear a fucking condom.
7.) Inside of Le Conte Hall:
Honestly, we don’t know why this earns a spot on this list. LeConte kinda sounds like “Le Cunt”, and we think that’s funny. And since Le Conte was a slave owner, he was probably a cunt too.
6.) In the audience of Robert Reich’s webcast:
If you get invited to participate in the portion of Wealth And Poverty that gets displayed online, what better message to send to the American masses than your STD infection status?
5.) Like, at a frat or something:
You probably got it from here??? No tea no shade though.
4.) In the middle of wiping your ass in the Dwinelle bathrooms:
Besides reaching toward an empty toilet paper roll after shitting your brains out during Poly Sci 124B discussion, there’s nothing you’d rather have to happen than wipe dingleberries with your finger and your thumb whilst confirming that you, in fact, have chlamydia.
3.) Inside the Golden Bear Cafe:
Their food is shitty and lackluster, and so is the feeling of self-loathing you’ll ultimately get upon confirming that you’ve contracted chlamydia while you’re stuffing your face with a lukewarm burrito bowl that’s 75% sour cream!
2.) While you’re telling someone else that you don’t have chlamydia:
It would be so awesome to tell someone you’re STI-free, only to correct yourself mid-sentence with the news that you, in fact, do have chlamydia. Autocorrect, but for your genitals!
1.) In the middle of a session of intercourse with the very partner who inflicted the illness upon you:
Nothing says “I’m coming-of-age in the 2010s and don’t understand sexual hygiene and safety” like taking a repeat pounding from an infected partner. Love stinks–and it also stings!
We hope this thoroughly exhaustive list of venues solidifies your list of morally appropriate venues to find out that you’ve contracted an entirely preventable illness! Cheers!