BERKELEY, Calif. – Perplexed students plunged into heart-wrenching shock last week after discovering that their unofficial campus mascot, the 200 dpi FedEx print of Elon Musk smoking evil wizard weed above a “Tinder for Friends” sign, had been replaced with a sandwich-board sign proliferating “NOT AFFILIATED WITH TINDER.” As associates from The Free Peach approached the sign spinner for comment, dismay had already subsumed the campus community. Everyone seemed devastated by the harsh reality that Tinder For Friends was not affiliated with the popular dating app whatsoever, except for the Tinder for Friends guy, who was delighted that someone finally came up to talk to him.
When asked for his name, the spinner enthusiastically exposed: “Majeure Newsance!”
“By my stars and garters,” the sign-spinner spoke, “I never thought a student would come engage with me. Everyone else on Sproul is getting flooded with attention–the dogmatic priest, the dogmatic lunatic, the dogmatic consulting club–but woe was I until you approached!”
Prodded about the murky origins of the bizarre sign, Newsance himself seemed unsure. He meekly proceeded:
“Doesn’t the name say it all? Tinder for friends! Except we don’t have anything to do with Tinder––my lawyer has advised me to make that clear, and also Tinder’s lawyers advised me to ‘fuck myself with a firework’ and ‘go tap-dancing on a minefield.’ And the friends part… well you guys are the first people to approach me in the two weeks I’ve been tabling! So I’m sure it’s a sign of good things to come!”
Strong investigative journalism, however, revealed quite the opposite; Dean of Social (Media) Sciences, Dah D. Ehshoes, has done copious research on the recurrent, ominous Sproul display:
“Out of a sample size n, where n = 589 undergraduates, we have found exactly 0 correlations between using ‘Tinder for Friends’ and our variable f, defined as f = having friends. Actually this isn’t entirely true––we found a negative correlation. I mean are you so shocked? This is an app that has the marketing strategy of a millennial Instagram meme account, which is to say it capitalizes on that image of Elon smoking that ‘Apartheid Emerald Mine’ strain zaza. I mean who is the market for this? Elon Musk fans? I mean they could definitely use more friends I suppose…”
When reached for comment, Tinder for Friends’ founders assured that their company was “totally real and legit” and to “Please not tell Mom we’ve been using her credit card.”