BERKELEY, Calif. — According to recent reports regarding the incident that happened last Friday on Sproul Plaza, you really just had to be there.
“Honestly, there’s no way written journalism can adequately capture what happened,” declared Valmic Mukund, the Free Peach journalist who was in charge of investigating the incident. “Like, I could try to talk about it, or maybe draw some pictures, but regardless, you would lose so much critical context that it wouldn’t be worth it. Anyway, don’t you have better things to do than read a shitty article about some event on campus? Go take a walk, hang out with a friend, call your mom, do your homework, or something. Hell, if you’re really interested in what’s happening on Sproul Plaza, you could always just go there.”
Others who were present at the scene agree that what happened can’t really be put into words.
“Wow. Yeah. I mean, fuck,” said Bob Boberton, who is totally a real guy and not just a name the author of this article made up to fill white space. “It was wild, man. First there was [something], and then [something else], and finally [some other third thing]. Things got really crazy when [something crazy]. You just had to be there.”
Despite the assurances of this one guy and the many others who also totally exist but the author simply chose not to quote, some remain skeptical of the incident’s indescribability.
“I’m starting to think that [Mukund] didn’t complete the assignment,” said Abby Fisher, the Editor-in-Chief of The Free Peach. “First of all, this article is extremely vague and has zero concrete details about what happened, making me suspect that [Mukund] didn’t actually attend the event. Second of all, what’s with all the lazy attempts at self-referential humor? We’re The Free Peach, not some lowbrow Rick and Morty episode. We don’t do ‘meta.’ I am suggesting—nay, demanding—that you immediately scrap this pathetic excuse for a draft and return with something fresh, biting, and original that Berkeley students will actually be able to relate to. Excuse me? What do you mean you’re ‘putting this in the article????’”
For his part, Valmic Mukund denies the accusations of laziness.
“No, I am most certainly not ‘being meta as a cheap substitute for humor,’” Mukund said to himself while writing this article. “I just find it more authentic to write down whatever comes to my head without vetting it for quality first. For example: potatoes, farts, shungite. That was fun! Maybe not for you, but certainly for me. In any case, it isn’t my job to make you laugh. What is my job? Fuck if I know. Do you want to pay me for something?”
At press time, Mukund was reporting on some other meaningless shit that you should probably just go and see in person.