MOUNTAINS OF ARARAT, Eastern Anatolia –Following Thursday’s sudden flash flood warnings, local people and animals have been scrambling to find transit out of Ararat. Rather than charging a premium of passage, shipbuilder Noah has taken a controversial approach to securing a ticket on his coveted Ark.
“If you don’t have a bid or fucking someone with a bid, you’re not getting in,” proclaimed Noah to the crowd of the frustrated animals. “Yahwehniunely, I had a vision about this, so don’t shoot the messenger.”
While some stonemasons prepare storm shelters, meteorologists are not so optimistic the winds and rains can be weathered. This opinion is shared among the thousands of species who have congregated around Noah’s boat.
“I can’t say who, but some thumbless creatures are frustrated they can’t even download the app,” explains Yak. Reportedly, Yak has become an organizer for anonymous opinions from rejected animals. “Not to mention for those of us who can use Doorlist, the service out here is ass. No, not you Donkey.”
According to Noah, the Ark will be a 150 day pleasure cruise finishing in a rave where the “rainbow” will be unveiled. Animals with bids said it’ll probably be lowkey and not too much fun anyway.