In 2009, I had the privilege to produce and star in a film adaptation of Jon Ronson’s The Men Who Stare at Goats. While the movie has largely faded into the background of American cinematic history, my experience on the set of Goats was a sexually formative and erotically liberating one.
And it is due to that experience that I can no longer sit idly by as brothers of the Delta Kappa Epsilon Fraternity are stigmatized for their alleged goat-based paraphilia.
Let me first clear up the ambiguity: Yes, I have indeed fucked a goat. I had consensual sex with a goat on the set of The Men Who Stare at Goats in 2008, and honestly? It wasn’t that bad. Exceeded my expectations, really. Judge me all you want. Just remember that Kevin Spacey was the film’s antagonist.
Anyway, after my first sexual encounter with a goat I was nervous and confused, but ultimately found the support I needed in the Delta Kappa Epsilon Education Handbook.* I got the idea to read through it in 2009 after rumors spread goat-fucking was a hazing practice UC Berkeley’s chapter of DKE. Their song, “Oh, the Red Hot Spot” was particularly reassuring, as the second verse reads,
“Astride the goat we failed to note much fun in D K E;
His bristles rough seemed awful tough, his butt was misery!
But oh how tame that goat became, when in his box stall ti-i-ied,
We rather guess we’ll always bless that mad and mystic ride.”
DKE categorically denies all allegations of hazing with goats, as well as the sexual message “Red Hot Spot” obviously implies. I agree that hazing is a terrible practice and DKE should face the consequences if they are found guilty of it, but can you blame them for getting defensive about goats when bestiality has such intense stigma around it?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that, as someone who has been on a mystic goat ride, I do not think the brothers of DKE deserve to be shamed for any consensual goat-fucking. Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it. Because once you do, you may discover, as I have, that it’s not so bad.
*If you search “goat” in the DKE handbook, nothing comes up, but if you search *goa, four out of the nine results are nine. I am now an investigative journalist.