BERKELEY, Calif. — While attending his eight-hour mandatory lab this past Friday, fourth-year psychology major Darren Barry made a discovery that has caused outrage in the scientific community. The team’s findings have placed the infamous Pavlov experiments — research used to teach classical conditioning to freshmen pretending to consider psychology as a major — under fire.
“Well, my original task was to reenact the experiments. Ring a bell, feed the dog, repeat, until the dog starts to drool every time the bell rings,” Barry stated, looking around the lab timidly and glancing down at his notes. “But, something strange started to happen. Tungus, our experimental dog, started drooling before we even fed him. He wouldn’t eat the treats, just looked around madly for the noise. When he got his paws on the bell, none of us could stop him.”
At this point, Barry became overcome with emotion and could no longer speak. Instead, he showed off his lab notes, suggesting that the experiment was repeated multiple times, followed by a disturbing X-ray of Tungus’s stomach after four attempts. Barry’s supervising instructor, Professor Lawson, agreed to speak on the subject.
“I don’t know what to believe anymore. I’ve devoted half my life to a field built on lies,” Professor Lawson wailed, pulling American Psychological Association editions off his bookshelf and throwing them on his office floor. “The idea of classical conditioning is one of the foundations of modern psychology. You’re telling me that Pavlov’s dogs might have just had the same intense craving for metal bells as Tungus? What are they going to suggest next- that Freud was wrong?”
After completing security clearance, reporters were taken to the room in which Tungus was being held. Upon first glance, he appeared like any other dog, grinning playfully and hanging out his tongue. Further inspection revealed strange, bell-shaped imprints on the dog’s abdomen. When asked to comment, Tungus seemed very willing to speak to reporters.
“Bark. Bark. Bark. Ding!” Tungus stated, salivating and attempting to eat the microphone. “Bark. Bark. Ding! Ding!”
Tungus was placed in custody and airlifted to a nearby hospital after an incident in which an intern’s ringtone resembled a traditional bell sound. Although Professor Lawson has stepped down from the UC Berkeley Psychology Department, Barry is continuing their research and has initiated a program dedicated to reinvestigating the foundations of psychology. Their latest, elusive project is in collaboration with the Philosophy Department and features one of the descendants of Schrodinger’s cat, affectionately dubbed ‘Gary.’