BERKELEY, Calif. – The chilling wind of economic crisis has swept upon Berkeley, and it seems that the University has left its thrifted, Shattuck-Crossroads windbreaker at home. In a paradigm shift that has shocked and upset the campus community, harsh conditions have forced the closure of Stanley Hall Yali’s, leaving a paucity of only three Yali’s Cafes on campus. 

Sluggish, staggering students caught lurking outside of Stanley’s hulking husk cared to share their lamentations. One onlooker, Anita Kofi, volunteered their mournful perspective:

“This is nothing short of complete societal collapse. Just consider the vibrant ecosystem of which Stanley Yali’s was once part: while Oxford Yali’s sucks up downtown business, and Micro-Yali’s maintains the lethargic STEM kids of VLSB (also did you know that you eat a credit card’s worth of Micro-Yalis a day?), Stanley Yali’s was a critical overflow channel for the bustle of Qualcomm Yali’s (or Quali’s). Do you understand what happens in Fall ‘23 when new freshmen spill into Quali’s for a quiche? That’s right, pandemonium. Without the natural spillway of Stanley Yali’s, Yalinomics experts predict Quali’s will be filled to capacity within mere minutes after noon.” 

One such Economics expert, Dr. Arnaldo Bunk, diagnosed the health of the campus economy following the cafe closure. 

“This bellwether closure is comparable to the role of the collapse of Lehman Brothers in the 2008 financial crisis. I wouldn’t be surprised to see our beloved coffee houses collapse like dominoes – notice Strada’s inexplicable migration to Free House, does that look like a healthy ecosystem? Our only solution is a complete government bailout to prevent coffee insolvency around the East Bay.”

Former Yali’s barista Julius Salad expressed their gratitude for the year-and-a-half they spent working there.

“Whenever I clocked into work,” Salad said, “there was a sense of peace in knowing exactly what my day looked like: nothing but iced lattes and chai-somethings for the next six hours. Often I dream about the wistful look I would cast at the neglected quiche in the glass display, or of the frolicking I enjoyed in vast fields of bagels and soups-de-jour.” 

When pressed for comment, campus spokesman Raul Ingindo revealed the upcoming business to occupy the lobby of Stanley Hall. 

“Okay, picture this, right,” Ingindo postulated, stretching his hands wide, “magnets, and boba.” 

Despite repeated requests for elaboration, Ingindo has refused to volunteer more details. 

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