LOS ANGELES— “Alvin and the Chipmunks” frontman Alvin Seville was pronounced dead at Cedar-Sinai Veterinary Hospital early this morning after an apparent fentanyl overdose. The acclaimed anthropomorphic chipmunk was 61 years old.
“The Seville family is unspeakably saddened by this sudden and tragic loss, and request privacy during this difficult period,” said a representative for okay, now that everyone has stopped reading, I can finally admit that I’m sick and tired of writing these piece of shit articles.
What’s wrong? Is someone sad they don’t get to read 350 words about the made-up drug overdose of a beloved children’s cartoon? Is wittle baby gonna cwy? Fucking grow up. We’re not even gonna do Berkeley-related articles anymore. This shit was easy when Sproul was on fucking fire every two weeks because Dirks would invite some white supremacist to campus to ~hONoR FReE SpEEcH~. What the hell are we supposed to do now? Write about PG&-fucking-E? Would that make you happy? What if I made a joke about how CS is a hard major. Would that make you laugh? You clown.
Also, flat earth is real. The US government has been stockpiling uranium in the North Pole since the Reagan administration, which is why they don’t want you to know that the earth is a smooth, flat disc careening through space like my stepdad’s sick throw in Ultimate Frisbee. If you don’t believe me it’s because tap water has fluoride in it, which is supposed to suppress your brain’s ability to practice critical thinking. I know the difference because when I finish my first Nyquil-Yerba of the day I can access 100% of my brain like Bradley Cooper in Limitless.
Wow, you’re still reading this. Uh, I don’t know how to end this article in a way that will make you happy. This is a picture of Kathy Bates when she won the Academy Award for Misery in 1991.
In conclusion, fuck Alvin and the Chipmunks, fuck UC Berkeley, and fuck The Free Peach. Except for that one article about incest in Frozen 2. That was good.