BERKELEY, Calif. – While most other smoke shops have seen a loss in profits due to the passage of SB 793 prohibiting the sale of flavored tobacco, Big Al’s on Telegraph Avenue found an economic loophole. Sales have reached an all-time high after a new, nicotine-rich product called “cigarettes” hit the shelves.
“After learning that typical nicotine vapes contain formaldehyde and acetaldehyde, we knew we had to change our business strategy,” exclaims Big Al’s founder, Big Al. “What makes ‘cigarettes’ unique is that they are all-natural, and therefore can’t cause cancer, I think.”
The recent success of “cigarettes” is due in large part to a highly impactful marketing campaign directed towards young men about the alternatives to using the equivalent of a toddler’s pacifier to get their nicotine fix.
“When I realized I looked like a six-year-old with a death grip on their cotton candy, I immediately threw out my half-charged matcha FLUM Pebble and picked up a pack of “cigarettes” so I could look like a real man,” commented Cal Junior Damian Hertz.
However, pushback came quickly in the weeks following the overnight success of “cigarettes.” Those that made the switch to the new product noticed a decline in their sex lives. An anonymous source expressed his disappointment with the product.
“When my breath smelled like blueberry razzmatazz, there’d be girls lined up around the block to kiss me,” said the source, swiveling his head with a hopeful ignorance. “Now they just say I smell like their grandparent’s unfurnished basement.”
Big Al’s considers the cost of failed hookups to be nothing more than a roadblock in “cigarettes” meteoric rise to stardom.