YOUR HOMETOWN – Call the Ghostbusters, because all multiple sources report that your mom’s house is caked in ectoplasm. Various investigators and family members alike recount the strange phenomena they’ve witnessed. 

“It was horrible. I was on the first floor, in the guest room, right beneath your mother’s room, and you wouldn’t believe what I heard: this horrible moaning noise coming from the ceiling – it almost sounded like a possessed woman – at the same time there was this repetitive banging, and I think I heard ‘Let’s Get it On’ by Al Green playing from somewhere? Maybe it was one of those ‘ghost possess the radio’ ordeals? Either way it was about 2 minutes of that, and then I heard a man’s voice make a REALLY terrifying groan… I was absolutely shuddering the whole time,” stated your family friend currently staying over.

Paranormal investigators, when called to the scene, were coy with their discoveries. Lead ghost-hunter Rand Ohmnaym recounted their professional assessment:

“Yeah kid, I don’t know what to tell you. We tried communicating with the spirit by yelling out, ‘WHAT DO YOU WANT?’ and it said, ‘I want it right there,’  which made me feel icky so I went outside to call my therapist. Anyway, the rest of the team did some analysis on that ‘ectoplasm’ you said you found on the walls… your folks ever talk to you about the birds and the bees?”

Leading supernatural expert, Professor Calvin Phresh, was unconvinced of the merits of the case. He disclosed that “you don’t have Ghostbusters, you’ve got nut-busters. Can’t you tell  this ‘paranormal activity’ only happens whenever that Free Peach reporter happens to ‘interview’ your mom?”

At press time, your mom responded to a request for comment: “I guess they’re in their lecture right now so I’m free – wanna come over?”

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