Last Thursday, Amanda Bowman was forced to make a difficult choice following her morning coffee/nicotine break.
“I was in front of the Golden Bear Cafe when I realized I needed to shit. I knew I wouldn’t make it to the nearest restroom, so I was forced to just pull my cute white jeans down and evacuate my bowels right on Sproul, in front of thousands of my advisors and peers,” Bowman reported. “It was embarrassing, for sure, especially because many people refused to divert their eyes. Some even laughed and started pointing and clapping, telling me to do a little dance and refusing to go get toilet paper for me.”
Despite the delicate nature of the incident, Bowman insists that she wasn’t “that embarrassed, really.”
Bowman later issued a statement claiming that public defecation was “like a 4 on the scale of humiliation. After a week of verbally assaulting students on Sproul to inquire about their (obvious lack of) interest in sustainable business, I don’t think I have a sense of self anymore. My humanity kind of feels stripped to an abstract concept after trying to convince three thousand underclassmen that my club is worth taking an Airpod out for.”
Other students in similar positions seem to agree.
Joshua Marcus, treasurer for pre-med fraternity Sig Mu, remarked, “Yeah, I don’t even think shitting yourself is that embarrassing. There’s nothing quite like standing on Sproul for hours having to hand out these little flyers and later finding them on the ground or in the trash or sometimes used as toilet paper in the Moffitt bathroom. Sometimes I wish that I would’ve shit myself instead. Flyering is humiliating in the most mundane and insidious of ways. I have a public humiliation kink, and I would rather wear a full body leather suit and be dragged around on a leash by my mommy dommy than have to stand there with flyers calling out to indifferent freshmen.”
The Free Peach would rather not provide further information regarding this occurrence because there are a surprising and rather large number of people who were very, very willing to share with us their various public humiliation kinks when they heard about this story. Remarkably though, even the kinkiest ones were adamant that they still hated flyering for their club regardless of their sexual tastes.