BERKELEY, Calif – In an unprecedented move, political economy major and aspiring debate bro Kyle Thebedeau boldly shut the fuck up this Thursday afternoon whilst …
6 Campanile Songs That Sound Like Dogshit
Every day, Berkeley students get serenaded by three concerts, totally free of charge. It’s too bad that they’re played on giant century-old bells that can’t …
David Card Wins Nobel Prize in Economics for Proving $5 Is Too Much for a Slice of Pizza
BERKELEY, Calif. — UC Berkeley economics professor David Card recently won the Nobel Prize in economics for proving that many universally known truths are, in …
BART Announces New Dark Yellow Line Between My Fly and the Urinal
BERKELEY, Calif. – This weekend Bay Area Rapid Transit published blueprints for a new railway to supplement the five existing routes. Christened the “Dark Yellow” …
5’10″ Man Negotiates Himself Another Two Inches
BERKELEY, CA— In a shocking feat, local 5’10′ Berkeley man successfully convinced peers he is actually 6ft.
“All women care about is height,” Phi Psi Junior Andrew Short claimed. “I was at this party, and this girl came up to me and we started talking. As soon as I mentioned my height during my rant about how all women are shallow, she lost interest. I’m telling you, being 5 ’10” is a curse!”
To Reduce Long Coffee Lines, GBC to Offer “Grab-and-Go” Cocaine
BERKELEY, Calif — As the only on-campus café where students can spend their flex dollars on caffeine, the Golden Bear Café experiences all-time high traffic …
Hot and Cold: Natural Phenomenon Otherwise Known as “Weather” Grips Berkeley
BERKELEY, Calif. – Various students across campus have reported, particularly when speaking to their class acquaintances while waiting out Berkeley time, that sunny, warm days are now transitioning into cooler, wetter periods. These varying temperatures have also been referred to by some as “the weather.”
“Yeah, it’s like, now it’s cold??” began sophomore Kady Gershwin. “It was so hot the other day, I literally had to wear shorts and a tank top. Then, all of a sudden, this morning it was literally freezing! I’m actually wearing a sweatshirt if you can believe it, it’s just that chilly. What is even going on here!”
Haas Senior Watches Squid Game, Has Innovative Startup Idea
Berkeley, Calif – Haas senior Drew Balzarian struck inspiration while watching Squid Game recently.
“I don’t usually watch TV, I’m too busy checking my Robinhood portfolio and mansplaining venture capital to first year girls I wanna trying to fuck. I don’t know why it’s a movie and not a business model. The dumbass director probably didn’t even care how much money he could make off of this. People keep saying ‘it’s satire,’ but it doesn’t have to be! I have 50 SF VC funds who are interested right now! Jeff Bezos offered to host it on The Moon so we don’t run into the mistakes we saw in the series.”
Berkeley Student Well-Being Emails to Remind You That You Are a Piece of Shit
New this week: Why Being Not a Fucking Piece of Shit Is the Latest Self-Care Trend
Have you ever woken up and thought to yourself, “Wow, I’m a Piece of Shit!”? Well, we experts at Berkeley Student Well-Being know. We’re here to tell you that that one missing piece of your self care routine is NOT using facemasks, NOT increasing general hygiene, NOT regular teeth brushing, NOT wiping thoroughly, but rather just: trying harder to NOT be a Piece of Shit. JFC. It’s not that hard (neither the process nor the shit itself!)
Berkeley Halloween Shops Sell Out of Skeleton Costumes Weeks Early, For Some Reason
Although weeks remain before Halloween, Berkeley’s costume shops have sold out of skeleton costumes, business owners report.
“It’s the weirdest thing,” Party City franchisee Alvin Bean recounted. “Normally these college kids don’t start buying costumes until the day they’re supposed to start drinking. Even then, the only skeleton costumes we usually move are the Skeleslut 2000s, with their patent-pending Realistic Skeletit Technology™. Then on Friday, a bunch of kids in turtlenecks came in and bought out all my cheapest stock.”