“It’s sad, really,” shared that girl from your discussion section who always wears really cool outfits. “They’re just trying so hard. I happen to wear really awesome clothes and look incredible all the time, but I do it with zero effort. Everyone knows that if you look like you’re trying to be cool, the coolness is completely undermined. And honestly, I can’t believe they even remotely thought we wouldn’t notice how much effort they’re putting in by wearing that hat. I just feel bad.”
Crowd Cheers as Acoustic Guitar Players Fight for Dominance of the Glade
BERKELEY, Calif. — Freshman Maya Whitman was surprised on Wednesday to see that her boyfriend, Michael Fisher, was surrounded by a crowd on Memorial Glade. …
CNR Student Celebrates Graduation by Bidding Final Farewell to the Environment
BERKELEY, Calif. — Conservation and Resource Studies major Clark Morrison celebrated his graduation from the Rausser College of Natural Resources on Sunday by bidding a …
Recycling, Compost, Landfill: All End Up in the Mighty Mouth of Korbulon the Destroyer Anyway
BERKELEY, Calif. — Environmental activist groups were shocked to learn that Berkeley’s recycling, compost, and landfill waste bins all end up in the same place: …
Friend With Car Probably Has Other Traits
BERKELEY, Calif. — Although Cal junior Dave Mills is best known for his 2011 Honda Fit (sport model), his friends report that he may have …
Fraternity Kappa Alpha Order Hosts Diversity Training in Robert E. Lee Conference Room
Content Warning: This article contains content discussing Confederate Army generals, slavery, the Klu Klux Klan, and more generally, white men being racist pieces of shit. …
Twitter Now Owned by The Free Peach After We Got It for Free on the App Store
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a surprise twist of surprising events, the social media platform “Twitter” is under new management after The Free Peach purchased it …
BREAKING: You Need to Call Your Dad, He’s Lonely
EVERY SUBURBAN TOWN – Local officials have concluded that your dad calling you three days in a row, all at 5:00 AM, is just the …
Campus Curbs Spread of Misinformation by Simply Not Providing Any Information
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an attempt to limit the spread of potential misinformation regarding yesterday’s campus-wide threat, UC Berkeley administrators announced that, going forward, they …
BREAKING: Everybody Knows You’re High Right Now
BERKELEY, Calif. – Dude, bad news–everyone can totally tell that you’re higher than Leonardo DiCaprio’s personal maximum for age gaps right now. Yes dude, I’m …