BERKELEY, Calif.– While the brothers at AEPi are getting moms drunk at seven A.M. this morning, mega loser freshman Tommy Tinklepants woke up to the disruptive sound of yet another No Pole remix and a familiar feeling: not just that his mom snuck into his dorm last night for the third sleepover of the week, but his sheets are soaked in sweat because Tommy still doesn’t have a date and Homecoming weekend is here. His hallmates pointed to the “CS chuzz of the year” door in Unit 3 where Tommy’s mom, Mrs. Tinklepants, spoke with reporters.
“My little Tommy boobear—oh, he’s such a sweetheart. I told him not to worry about still not having a girl. It’s hard in such a rambunctious and unsafe environment to find a partner. Especially one who won’t mind when he wets the sheets every so often. What’s meant for him will find its way.”
Tommy, ready for homecoming in his perfectly-fitting suit from high school, sets out on Piedmont only to see his own mom getting sendy at DKE ripping a keg stand under a sign that reads ‘Trade Milk for Beer.’
“When he leaned over and asked me if I knew who was on homecoming court, I was a little confused. First of all, it’s a field. Second, I’m pretty sure it’s Duke, but that’s not really what I’m focused on,” Tyson Ulrich shrugs as he “networks” with a gaggle of pilates influencer moms from Pasadena.
After Mrs. Tinklepants had migrated to FIJI to play a fourth and particularly touchy game of pong with pledges, we were finally able to ask a slightly lost Tommy how he felt.
“I can’t wait to see what tonight brings. If it’s anything like Kips’ 18+ night, it’s gonna be a movie. Last time I was like sooo wasted. I swear I got so blacked; I even talked to a girl! This 61A CS baddie was totally into me. I asked her to be my date to homecoming, but when I asked whose mom could drive us she looked at me weird and walked away. Just playing hard to get I’m sure.”