BERKELEY, Calif – News from top Berkeley officials broke late last week about the implementation of a new widespread campus policy. In line with the school’s efforts to make every single action more inconvenient, UC Berkeley is now enforcing a two factor authentication for all campus bathrooms, powered by Duo Push Mobile.
“At UC Berkeley, our students’ safety is the top most priority – fucking everyone over usually just happens to be a completely intentional effect. We are willing to ensure that only students are able to use the bathroom even if it means that no one will be able to access them. If you can’t Duo Push it, keep it pushing buddy,” said campus official and comically evil villain Cal Phisser. “Of course, it’s hugely inconvenient and Duo Push mobile doesn’t even work on Eduoram, but we’ve got to meet our 2026 inaccessibility and inequity goals if we want to keep funding from the government. God knows, we fucked those 2022 net zero waste goals. But with this, the campus can really uphold our reputation as a bastion of progressive policies in public higher education! However, quick sidenote, students who are suspected of violating the student code of conduct are also prohibited from enjoying bathroom privileges. Time, place, and manner rules will be enforced in restrooms in the spirit of safeguarding campus culture. Pissing is not constitutionally protected (even if it is a form of, ahem, bodily expression), so we will charge you with defacing campus facilities, threaten expulsion, and leak your private information to the government. Fiat lux!”
At press time, chaos ensued as numerous students at the number one public university in the United States were witnessed having trouble going number one on campus.