“It’s hard to describe. It’s just so ethereal. But I think it’s because she seems to come from this great line of independent, vanguard artists who exist at the forefront of experimental music. I can’t really do it justice but I’d say it’s like Gorillaz if Damon Albarn was a sensitive English major from Canada. So Grimes I guess, but more tinged with the concussive moodiness of Aphex Twin and the hypnotic transcendent quality of say, Tame Impala (which, if you didn’t know, is also a one person band). You’ve probably never even heard of half these artists, but trust– if you knew them, you’d get it. Maybe if more people actually grew up and developed their music taste instead of listening to whatever Spotify puts on their Top 100 playlist, then artistry like that wouldn’t go under appreciated. But continue supporting your industry plants or whatever.”
Self-Care Hack! Don’t Eat or Sleep or Rest At All Until Your Body Completely Shuts Down
According to the mother of the “sick self-care” movement, student influencer Alyssa Lin, the hack only has one simple step: “Just focus on the other things in life, and your body will manifest its own health,” said Alyssa. “Inner body saunas will raise your temperature to a nice factory reset level, and that’s when your body will take over and make the manual rest.”
‘Is This How Happy I Should Be?’ Asks Student After Three Weeks of Not Attending Class
BERKELEY, Calif. – With the University of California still denying the majority of graduate student employees basic rights and actively attempting to threaten or block …
‘At Least I’m Not a Business Major’ Says Econ Major Who Also Sucks
“I mean, obviously business majors are a menace to society but Joseph is also one of the biggest douchebags I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting. One time he tried to correct the professor by standing up in the middle of class and saying that we should tax the rich less because they’re smarter,” stated Smith’s classmate Cecilia Su. “We weren’t even talking about taxes either. It was super awkward because no one acknowledged him and he also wouldn’t sit back down.”
Breaking: Student Delivering Condoms on Duffl Scooter Fails to Come Before I Do
“I came as fast as I could!” exclaimed Cooper distraughtly the next morning, normally an expert at coming quickly. “I am extremely passionate about Duffling, and I feel great defeat that I was beat in this challenging race. As it’s written in neon lights outside our homebase, ‘Duffl Fucks,’ but last night, I feel as if I got fucked, hard.”
Do They Love You Or Did They Just Respond To Your Discussion Post?
BERKELEY, Calif— In a discussion assignment for her Political Science class last Thursday, second-year Sarah Candle responded to fellow classmate Ryan Bower’s discussion post in what absolutely must have been a romantic gesture.
Explaining his totally logical and not insane jump towards being in love with her, Ryan reports: “What else could this mean? I mean, what type of sane person would respond to, let alone acknowledge my political takes unless they were in love with me? Does defending corporate buybacks make me a bootlicker since they come at the direct expense of any productive investment that might actually benefit me? No. It makes me a patriot. Finally, someone recognizes me for the genius I am.”
REPORT: You Just Had To Be There
BERKELEY, Calif. — According to recent reports regarding the incident that happened last Friday on Sproul Plaza, you really just had to be there.
“Honestly, there’s no way written journalism can adequately capture what happened,” declared Valmic Mukund, the Free Peach journalist who was in charge of investigating the incident. “Like, I could try to talk about it, or maybe draw some pictures, but regardless, you would lose so much critical context that it wouldn’t be worth it. Anyway, don’t you have better things to do than read a shitty article about some event on campus? Go take a walk, hang out with a friend, call your mom, do your homework, or something. Hell, if you’re really interested in what’s happening on Sproul Plaza, you could always just go there.”
Berkeley Startup ‘Tinder For Friends’ Not Affiliated With Tinder, Also Not Affiliated With Friends
“Out of a sample size n, where n = 589 undergraduates, we have found exactly 0 correlations between using ‘Tinder for Friends’ and our variable f, defined as f = having friends. Actually this isn’t entirely true––we found a negative correlation. I mean are you so shocked? This is an app that has the marketing strategy of a millennial Instagram meme account, which is to say it capitalizes on that image of Elon smoking that ‘Apartheid Emerald Mine’ strain zaza. I mean who is the market for this? Elon Musk fans? I mean they could definitely use more friends I suppose…”
Student Accused of Cheating on Midterm Using Anal Beads
“First off, I have never cheated. Okay fine, once when I was younger I left my canvas page to look up the answers on an online math quiz, but I was like 19. I would never cheat on a midterm,” Kneeman said as he searched for answers for homework on Chegg. “Magnum is upset I beat him and is just hating on the underdog. The grade speaks for itself. And to all the people asking for me to go over my prep for the exam, that’s none of your business. I’m not even going to address the anal beads rumor. What, people really think I learned the entirety of morse code and had someone buzz the beads for each answer? That would require many hours of practicing in the Morrison bathroom from 4:00-5:30 p.m. PST – don’t be ridiculous.”
BREAKING: 5.1 Magnitude Earthquake Actually due to Roommate Masturbating in the Top Bunk
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal Freshman Lucca Wallace was rudely awakened in a Unit 3 dorm by her bottom bunk rhythmically shaking this past Tuesday. Sources …