“Santa died doing what he loved: being dangerously near fire while trespassing at a stranger’s house,” a representative said in a press release.
Frat Bros Adopt Strict Raw Diet So Girls Will Bark At Them Too
“And that’s when it clicked — it wasn’t my comments on their bodies that were fucking me over, it was my lack of proper nourishment.”
Uh Oh! Carol Christ Under Mistletoe AND Investigation for Shoplifting!
BERKELEY, Calif. – Just when students forgot about Chancellor Dirks, the UC Berkeley administration found itself mired in new controversy. “These allegations are absurd,” responded …
Aspiring English Student Disappointed to Return Home to Loving, Supportive Family
SILVER LAKE, Calif. – Senior English major Jennifer Brooks experienced ennui due to a sudden lack of ennui upon returning to her ancestral home for …
Instead of Course Evaluations, Professors Now Reading Passive-Aggressive Posts on Overheard and Reddit For Feedback
BERKELEY, Calif. – “What kind of class assigns a massive project to be due on the same day as the midterm?” asked Reddit user u/gobears4715 …
Yosef from the Bachelorette Teaches Haas Students How to Have Class
BERKELEY, Calif. – After voluntarily leaving Season 16 of The Bachelorette due to his high personal standards for classy women, D-list celebrity Yosef Aborady recently …
Why I Ghosted My Therapist and Started Sexting With Oski Instead
I just… saw him one day on Sproul. What was he doing there? I don’t know. It wasn’t game day. Or Cal Day. Absent the …
Frank Ocean Emerges From Hiatus to Clarify That He Was Referring to Berkeley City College in Infamous “Novacane” Lyric
Tired of years of misinterpretation, Frank Ocean has emerged from his musical hiatus to clarify that the lyric ‘brain like Berkeley’ on cult favorite “Novacane” …
New Lay’s CRISPR Chips Surprisingly Good
BERKELEY, Calif. — Lay’s newest flavor, CRISPR chips, are spreading across the nation and quickly becoming America’s favorite potato chip. “You know when you’re drinking …
Maybe We Should Actually Not Call It Dead Week This Year
While the Berkeley administration has been trying for years to change the name of Dead Week, they have never been successful in their pursuit. Reading, …