“We’re not starting class until everyone moves up to the front. Sit closer, I don’t bite!” I looked around at the five other students who still attend section, wondering if Ned really needed us to move closer. Was this another GSI power trip? I knew he wasn’t a biter, but he clearly underestimated the power of a now-annoyed undergraduate student who skipped breakfast this morning. Maybe I should teach him a lesson. My mouth began to water at the thought of sinking my canines into Ned’s freckled arm. The sound of his howl would truly be music to my ears as I’d leave him with a permanent tattoo of my chompers. Who is Ned to tell me what to do!?
Phish Concert Sells Out Almost As Much As the 32 Year Old Data Scientist From Walnut Creek Who Went
BERKELEY, CA. — Following three days of bedlam, UC Berkeley’s campus has been left strewn with debris from the lengthy, bacchanalian exodus of Phish fans. …
“We’re leveraging the potential of shovels in a way that’s never been done before,” said Diggs, his eyes gleaming with the light of a thousand PowerPoint presentations. “Our innovative approach will create unparalleled value for our customers while disrupting the traditional shovel market.”
Report: The Hardest Part of Writing a Thesis is Not Telling Everyone You’re Writing One
When challenged on the flaws in Fournier’s analysis, psychology professor Ivor H. Tower, defended his student’s work with zeal.
“Ms. Turner’s own behavior demonstrates that the urge to share the details of one’s academic work, even in a negative light, is a universal human experience,” Tower retorted. “As someone with extensive experience in academia, I can confidently say that Fournier’s study is both insightful and valid. Why the skepticism? Academic research is fascinating and everyone knows it! The undergrads in my classes hang on to every word when I go on tangents about my doctoral work on the psychology of self-absorption.”
Impressive? Waka Flocka’s ‘No Hands’ Inspired by Learning to Ride a Bike
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal students were in shock Tuesday morning after a new study revealed that the hit song “No Hands” was a tribute to …
Oopsies! Cal Admissions Accidentally Accepts YOU
In a stunning turn of events, the University of California, Berkeley, has made a groundbreaking error in its admissions process. The prestigious institution accidentally admitted you, a regular student, instead of the usual line-up of geniuses, valedictorians, taekwondo red belts, and future Nobel Prize winners.
Classmate Using Copious Amount of Buzzwords Actually Swarm of Bees in Suit
Rising to the press podium, emeritus Professor Gordon Frankie divulged the chief attribute revealing Waxman to be a swarm of bees: their fondness for buzzwords.
“Waxman’s fatal flaw is that their classmate caught on to their penchant for buzzwords. Sure, every Berkeley student falls back on ‘discourse’ and ‘dichotomy’ once in a while, but Waxman’s use was egregious; who says ‘Honey, I’m combing through your beeliefs, and (h)I’ve got to tell you, there’s not one argument for being pro-polis.’”
OPINION: The Granola Bar in my Backpack has been to as Many Classes as I Have, it Should at Least Get a Minor in Something
You know that granola bar that’s been at the bottom of your backpack since late August? The one you threw in your bag before class …
Male Berkeley Student Expresses His Love for Women by Dominating His Class Feminism Discussion
“It’s just so horrible what women have to go through in their day-to-day lives,” mused Lencer, cutting off the female classmate we were trying to interview. “As a man who values women for more than their bodies, I took it upon myself to share all the struggles women go through. Many of them seemed hesitant to share, holding up their hand and waiting for the professor to call on them, but I did not let this stop me from shouting out and sharing lived experiences for them. But don’t worry, I have a friend who’s a woman, so I get it.”
Parents Urging You to Take Better Care of Yourself Definitely After Your Organs
“A few years ago, I gave my dad one of my kidneys… the worst mistake of my life. I gave him a taste of low blood-toxicity, and ever since he’s been fiending for my second one. I don’t know what to do now. Last week he sent me an article claiming that ‘dialysis isn’t so bad’ and how I would ‘get on perfectly fine’ with ‘no functioning kidneys at all…’ Some days I catch him staring longingly at my abdomen, occasionally licking his lips with this terrifying glint in his eyes. I should have never gotten him hooked.”