Berkeley’s Five Most Eligible Bachelors

With cuffing season swiftly approaching, it’s time to get serious about finding love. Luckily for you lonely freaks, we at The Free Peach have compiled a comprehensive list of Berkeley’s most eligible bachelors! Stop wasting your time on Tinder and meet some real men in your own neighborhood!

ASUC Senator Milton Zerman Insists on ID Scanners at MLK to Keep Out Caterpillars

In the midst of a recent outbreak of California oak moth caterpillars on the campus of the University of California, Berkeley, ASUC Senator Milton Zerman has proposed action to keep the caterpillars separated from the student body.

UC Berkeley Acquires Alta Bates as New Freshmen Dorm for Housing Alcohol Poisoned Teens

In anticipation of this Saturday’s game day, the University of California, Berkeley has purchased the Alta Bates Summit Medical Center as a new dorm for alcohol poisoned teens.

5 Things to “Do” with Your English Major

Faced with the intrusive, probing question of all dads, dads’ friends, (ex)boyfriends, and weird, overly jovial older men at the gym to whom you respond out of common decency, it’s easy to take the coward’s way out and mutter something vague about a startup. Because really, what are you going to do with your English degree?

Freshman’s Long-distance Relationship Somehow Already Over

According to Braverman, the two have “grown apart” due to the distance and are in “two completely different stages of life.” Jenkins, after all, is a high school volleyball player, while Braverman is simply a player.

Fiji Sincerely Sorry Its Homophobic Slurs Were Caught On Video

“We promise that this will never happen again because while we’re not going to address the deep-rooted homophobia and toxic masculinity in our organization, you can be damn-well sure we’ll be quieter next time!”

Shocking: UC Berkeley Fraternity Organizes Volleyball Tournament for Charity

“We actually lost a lot of money doing this event,” claimed (ΒΜΠ) Philanthropy chair Trevor Blench, “the sand cost us like $7,000. It seems a little ridiculous in hindsight when there is a perfectly good beach volleyball court a few blocks away. But fuck it, now we have sand in our backyard how epic is that! So much beer die and Spikeball opportunity.”