Regular Friends Living in Regular House Need a Reality Show

BERKELEY, Calif — A local house of college students has declared their desire for a reality focusing solely on them, according to recently-screenshotted groupchat data.

“No, we need a reality show,” senior Honah Jill stated Thursday in a conversation regarding the uniqueness of his college group housing situation. “We live just like real people, but, like, funnier and more random. Remember last Tuesday when I instigated that text fight about the dishes, but I had forgotten that it was me who left them in the sink? Imagine the confessional for that. People would eat that up.”

OPINION: Bancroft Runs From North to South

Recently I was walking down Sproul recently with a friend and they mentioned that they live on the Southside of campus. I naturally got super excited — I didn’t know anyone who lived near Shattuck!

Then they had the audacity to tell me that what I thought was Southside was actually West. Um, what? I don’t understand how some people got into this school. I also don’t understand how they physically get here. Everyone learns in elementary school that North on the map points up, meaning the highest point of elevation. I mean I walk on Bancroft and can just tell that walking towards I-House is north, and towards the RSF is south. Bancroft is vertical. It goes north to south. It’s just an innate part of my sense of direction.

Mercury is in Retrograde, Which is Why You’ve Been A Piece of Shit For 21 Years

People across the nation are losing their shit.

“During retrograde, a lot of our everyday communication is disrupted,”  explained Tigerlily Adams, caucasian yoga instructor and probable anti-vaxxer. “Like, when this undercover cop asked me if I sold shrooms to college kids, I assumed he was in college because that guy looked like a fucking virgin, so I said yes.” Tigerlily is currently under arrest for distribution of drugs to minors, but Tigerlily said “that’s just the way retrograde goes.”

Blatantly Catering to the Female Gaze: This Boy Wears Glasses

“I actually wear glasses every day,” clarified junior Griffin Bells. “It wasn’t just a today thing. Seriously, I don’t understand how this could be misconstrued as some sort of play to get girls. I can even show you my prescription; I’m literally farsighted. If I read anything without my glasses it’s just indecipherable.”

… Okay, so now he also knows how to read. Could he be any more obvious?

Following Parents’ Weekend, Students Count Down Days Until Next Seeing Jake’s Mom

BERKELEY, Calif. – The Berkeley student body quickly fell into a deep depression after realizing that it would be another year before their next encounter with Jake’s mom. Her presence this year had caused quite the disruption at many of the planned Homecoming events.

“At the Parents’ Weekend Sportaganza on Memorial Field, all eyes were on her,” Tom Marsh of Rally Committee said. “Nobody even paid any attention to the main event: a fight to the death between Oski and forty-three allied freshmen. The audience was too transfixed by her presence: mature, yet seductive. Heck, a buddy of mine on the ASUC financial committee says that every restaurant she visited experienced a 112% surge in popularity!”

OPINION: Holy Shit, This Guy Fucks: Professor Mentions His Kid

Ew. What? 

He’s definitely trying to humblebrag about the fact that he’s had sex before, which is super off-putting. Why else would anyone think to mention their child — a byproduct of sexual interaction —  in the middle of a sociology lecture? Who is he trying to impress? Probably not you, but there’s always a chance he has a breeding kink and is trying to gauge the fertility of the crowd. It’s not weird that you’re thinking about this, by the way. Something more inappropriate than thinking about sex during lecture is having the gall to mention a sex-adjacent topic during lecture.