LOS ANGELES, Calif. – With the Oscars this Sunday, Iran has sworn retaliation on the United States surprisingly not after the unwarranted Israel-U.S. attack, but for harboring retired artsy fartsy guy and newest self-appointed AAVE spokesperson, Oscar-nominee Timothée Chalamet, after he claimed “no one cares about” ballet or opera anymore. Chalamet’s comment sparked so much controversy that it could seemingly cost him his life; or worse, an Oscar for his movie about something everyone still deeply cares about: ping-pong.
Supreme Leader Mojtaba Khamenei was so outraged by the young Marty Supreme actor’s comment, he personally reached out to the Free Peach saying, “Look. The U.S. and Israel surprise-nuking my dad: not cool. Real slimy move, but fine, whatever dude. The Iranians are a forgiving people. No hard feelings. Water under the proverbial bridge. But allowing Timothée Chalamet to roam the streets freely after what he said? Unacceptable. In fact, McConaughey–you’re next bro.” American and Israeli officials have released a joint-statement condemning these threats, asserting that since Chalamet is neither Middle Eastern nor under the age of 18, he cannot be classified as an authorized military target.
Luckily, California Governor Gavin Newsom has managed to find time alongside running his highly successful Instagram meme page to reassure his citizens that the threats are unfounded. Governor Newsom held a press conference saying, “We are monitoring the situation closely, but I want to assure the people of California that Timothée Chalamet will be safe,” said Governor Newsom but not before being caught googling “can you legally CGI dead actors in movies lol?” and asking Reddit “could I (M58, CA Gov) could play Chalamet in a posthumous biopic???”
At press time, Chalamet has actually responded to The Free Peach’s request for comment, but he sent us like a super long statement and we don’t really feel like reading it all right now tbh.