QUIZ: Which Disney Princess Are You?

Welcome to the quiz which will reveal the true depths of your Disney Princess soul! But beware, the enchanted forest of Disney hides more than just singing animals and magical spells. It’s also a place where fortunes and fairy tales collide in a whirlwind of self-discovery and enlightenment. So, prepare to dive into a world where happily ever after comes with a side of reality. Let’s get started!

“America is in a Truly Dark Place Right Now” says Political Pundit at Night

“Jeff is right on the money for a variety of reasons,” explained fellow Fox News host and manslaughter suspect Sally Stabs. “People need to understand that when you can’t directly see an object, it no longer exists. The liberal lamestream media is once again trying to act like the world is more complex than that. Honestly, this is why Republicans keep winning, because we know that the average person doesn’t believe in this hippy nonsense of the earth rotating or New York State homicide laws or whatever. Big light in sky go bye bye so that means it goes bye bye forever and we should all panic and pay Elon Musk to fix it with SpaceX.”

BREAKING: The Clitoris Found on Wuhu Island After Years of Hiding

WUHU ISLAND, Pacific Ocean – In a press conference today, Interpol announced that they had located The Clitoris, identified in hiding on Wuhu Island. 

“It took a several-years-long effort by many of our top investigators,” relayed Interpol Chief, Dev Inatili-Aman, “but we found it. It was hiding in a cave in [Inatili-Aman is interrupted by snickers from the reporters]. What? What’s so funny?” 

A Failure of the Justice System: Turkey Pardoned by Biden Murders Twelve

“In my thirty-five years of committing horrific injustices, I have never seen an injustice this horrific,” opined Police Chief Rubnock P. Postlethwaite of Brook County, South Dakota (which is hundreds of miles away from Washington D.C. and has no connection to the mass homicide incident). “Honestly, my heart goes out to the families. No turkey should be allowed to go around murdering civilians like that. That’s the job of trained law enforcement.”