BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal senior Theo Parker has realized he may never talk to his newfound closest friends after graduation.
“It’s never been a better time to get to know people!” Theo exclaimed while staring into the sun on the Glade. “It’s not like freshman year, when my newfound loneliness made me cling to anybody convenient — now getting to know people is so inconvenient that I have to really like them to make hanging out worth it! Sure, I drifted away from a lot of those old friends, but I feel like Alexandra’s different. We have so much in common! I can already feel the real bond we would’ve made if we met sophomore or junior year instead!”
The friend in question, Alexandra Gabriel, was less optimistic about the future of their friendship.
“I love Theo! It’s too bad I have to abandon him the moment graduation parties are over,” Alexandra lamented. “We both love French new-wave cinema and foraging, so there’s more than enough to keep a real bond going, but I’m not stupid. If I have to travel even a little bit to keep up this friendship, I will fucking scream and end this right here and now. It’s not worth it.”
Cindy Anderson, one of Theo’s lapsed friends from freshman year, empathized with the scenario.
“Theo’s great and all, but I guess I was mostly friends with him out of convenience. He tolerated the Foothill Dining Hall food. I tolerated the Foothill Dining Hall food. Those things matter a lot less when you finally graduate to more sophisticated frozen Trader Joe’s foods. There’s no real need to see him anymore, so I don’t.”
At press time, Theo was seen socializing with his longer-term friends: roommates that a computer randomly paired him with years ago.