BERKELEY, Calif. — Sophomore Richard Hardman relieved himself from the embarrassment of a less-than-impressive dick pic last Saturday by framing his penis in front of the beautiful Japanese cherry blossoms located on the west side of campus.
“I won’t go into details, but let’s just say that my penis was in need of a MAJOR glow-up,” confessed Hardman in a private interview with his only fan on OnlyFans. “Thankfully, the cherry blossoms delivered! Their radiant white petals perfectly frame my dick and cast exactly the right lighting to capture its good side. There’s a poetic quality to the blossoms, too – something about ephemerality and the beauty that is to be found in small, insignificant, and possibly deeply disappointing things. Anyway, I think I’m going to use this as my LinkedIn profile. It’s the most professional photo I’ve ever taken of myself.”
Hardman’s only fan agrees that the photo hits hard.
“The reason I originally subscribed to [Hardman’s] OnlyFans was because I thought the size of his dick was kinda hilarious,” said 41-year-old CPA Dave Frankwurster. “Ever since he took that photo in front of the cherry blossoms, though, I’ve started genuinely appreciating his content. Like, damn! Those cherry blossoms are fucking gorgeous! I haven’t stepped outside of my office in thirteen years, so I had no idea that nature was so beautiful.”
Not everyone was pleased with Hardman’s foray into nature photography, however.
“Ugh! Gross!!! Is that… your dick? What the fuck?” screeched graduation photographer Chelsea Kim while pointing at Hardman’s exposed crotch. Several graduating seniors, a professor, a middle school tour group, and a family of four who were also present at the scene quickly averted their eyes. “Oh my God. Oh my God,” Kim continued, distraught. “I’m calling the cops.”
Shortly following Hardman’s arrest, several cherry blossom trees were arrested on public indecency charges after they were caught having sex in full view of everyone walking past the West Circle.