Listen. I get that mom’s been lonely since dad disappeared. I’m happy that she’s putting herself out there. Alden treats her well and is good …
I Gave DuoMobile All My Cookies to Sign In and Now I Don’t Have Any Left for My Mouse
If you need to verify your identity, you will need to sign in with DuoMobile. When you open DuoMobile, it says you will have to …
Fraternity Kappa Alpha Order Hosts Diversity Training in Robert E. Lee Conference Room
Content Warning: This article contains content discussing Confederate Army generals, slavery, the Klu Klux Klan, and more generally, white men being racist pieces of shit. …
Twitter Now Owned by The Free Peach After We Got It for Free on the App Store
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a surprise twist of surprising events, the social media platform “Twitter” is under new management after The Free Peach purchased it …
BREAKING: You Need to Call Your Dad, He’s Lonely
EVERY SUBURBAN TOWN – Local officials have concluded that your dad calling you three days in a row, all at 5:00 AM, is just the …
Campus Curbs Spread of Misinformation by Simply Not Providing Any Information
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an attempt to limit the spread of potential misinformation regarding yesterday’s campus-wide threat, UC Berkeley administrators announced that, going forward, they …
Elon Musk Celebrates Earth Day By Leaving
BOCA CHICA, Texas — Forgoing his usual performative grandstanding, Elon Musk has decided to permanently end his contribution to the climate crisis by jettisoning himself …
BREAKING: Everybody Knows You’re High Right Now
BERKELEY, Calif. – Dude, bad news–everyone can totally tell that you’re higher than Leonardo DiCaprio’s personal maximum for age gaps right now. Yes dude, I’m …
Second-Semester Senior Making Closest Friend He’ll Never Talk to Again
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal senior Theo Parker has realized he may never talk to his newfound closest friends after graduation. “It’s never been a better …
Disappointing Dick Pic Made Palatable by Beautiful Cherry Blossoms in Background
BERKELEY, Calif. — Sophomore Richard Hardman relieved himself from the embarrassment of a less-than-impressive dick pic last Saturday by framing his penis in front of …