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Posted on May 14, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

Crowd Cheers as Acoustic Guitar Players Fight for Dominance of the Glade

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Month: April 2022

Posted on April 29, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

How to Block Out the Sound of Your Stepdad Railing Your Mom

Listen. I get that mom’s been lonely since dad disappeared. I’m happy that she’s putting herself out there. Alden treats her well and is good …

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Posted on April 29, 2022April 29, 2022 by: courtneyyeet

I Gave DuoMobile All My Cookies to Sign In and Now I Don’t Have Any Left for My Mouse

If you need to verify your identity, you will need to sign in with DuoMobile. When you open DuoMobile, it says you will have to …

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Posted on April 28, 2022April 28, 2022 by: The Free Peach

Fraternity Kappa Alpha Order Hosts Diversity Training in Robert E. Lee Conference Room

Content Warning: This article contains content discussing Confederate Army generals, slavery, the Klu Klux Klan, and more generally, white men being racist pieces of shit.  …

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Posted on April 27, 2022April 27, 2022 by: amychakladar

Twitter Now Owned by The Free Peach After We Got It for Free on the App Store

BERKELEY, Calif. — In a surprise twist of surprising events, the social media platform “Twitter” is under new management after The Free Peach purchased it …

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Posted on April 26, 2022April 26, 2022 by: Ajay Madala

BREAKING: You Need to Call Your Dad, He’s Lonely

EVERY SUBURBAN TOWN – Local officials have concluded that your dad calling you three days in a row, all at 5:00 AM, is just the …

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Posted on April 23, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

Campus Curbs Spread of Misinformation by Simply Not Providing Any Information

BERKELEY, Calif. — In an attempt to limit the spread of potential misinformation regarding yesterday’s campus-wide threat, UC Berkeley administrators announced that, going forward, they …

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Posted on April 23, 2022 by: Valmic Mukund

Elon Musk Celebrates Earth Day By Leaving

BOCA CHICA, Texas — Forgoing his usual performative grandstanding, Elon Musk has decided to permanently end his contribution to the climate crisis by jettisoning himself …

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Posted on April 21, 2022 by: toharzamir

BREAKING: Everybody Knows You’re High Right Now

BERKELEY, Calif. – Dude, bad news–everyone can totally tell that you’re higher than Leonardo DiCaprio’s personal maximum for age gaps right now. Yes dude, I’m …

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Posted on April 20, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

Second-Semester Senior Making Closest Friend He’ll Never Talk to Again

BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal senior Theo Parker has realized he may never talk to his newfound closest friends after graduation. “It’s never been a better …

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Posted on April 19, 2022 by: Valmic Mukund

Disappointing Dick Pic Made Palatable by Beautiful Cherry Blossoms in Background

BERKELEY, Calif. — Sophomore Richard Hardman relieved himself from the embarrassment of a less-than-impressive dick pic last Saturday by framing his penis in front of …

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