EVERY SUBURBAN TOWN – Local officials have concluded that your dad calling you three days in a row, all at 5:00 AM, is just the latest in a series of signs that he is lonely and needs you to call him back.
“He kept tearing up while he watched Coco at 2 AM on TNT last week; I was trying to sleep. He just kept muttering ‘I hope my boys don’t forget about me like that skeleton guy’ under his breath,” reported your mom who then immediately went on a tangent about random neighborhood residents. “Brenda from down the street is jealous because I cooked meatloaf for our dinner with Larry and Katherine and we didn’t invite her but she didn’t invite us to her potluck last week to raise funds for the Church roof so I have no idea what her problem is.”
Data from your family’s Amazon Echo shows that since you have left home for college, your dad has used the phrases “now I know how my Pa felt when I went to State” and “they grow up right before your eyes” 10,000% more. Coincidentally, there is a direct correlation between this rise and the increasing rate at which you treat yourself by eating out after bombing a midterm.
When asked if he was lonely, your dad merely responded “What? Who are you and why are you walking barefoot on my lawn? What in the hell are you doing here? I’m not lonely, I have my buddies from college who I talked to as recently as five years ago.”
Your dad isn’t alone, however, in being alone.
“Over 96% of dads over the age of forty have zero friends,” reported Henry Lewis, director of the Institute of SAD-DADS. “That, of course, does not include your mom’s friends’ husbands with whom they just talk to about World War II books and the most recent political takes from their favorite hyper-moderate CNN anchor they all religiously watch since ‘you kids left the nest.’”
To stop this tragic phenomenon, you can take action by, I don’t know, just having the decency to call your dad every once in a while? Seriously, he will be so ecstatic he’ll tell your mom about it for months.
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