Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last three years, you know that Berkeley has a history of stirring up controversy with some of the people that it invites to speak on campus. The latest of these contentious talks was Ann Coulter’s talk on immigration this Wednesday, a topic she absolutely has experience with and the authority to speak on. Here’s a brief overview of her credentials in terms of immigration:
- Literally nothing
- Watching An American Tail ??
Supporters of Coulter (historically referred to as “Nazis”) explained that her talk on campus was invaluable for the campus community, because while most people acknowledge the personhood and subsequent rights of immigrants, she offers a “different perspective.” It’s important to hear different perspectives, because that’s how we as a society learn who’s a fucking idiot. In honor of listening to “different” perspectives, UC Berkeley announced some upcoming thought-provoking talks that will take place on campus this semester in honor of hearing new voices and perspectives, which include:
- Jake, your local weed dealer discussing how you “just need to find the right strain”– Jake, who has been a weed dealer for upwards of 2 months will come to campus and definitively prove to his audience that weed is the miracle drug that CNR majors think it is, and if you don’t like weed you’re just smoking the wrong strain. He claims, with deep conviction, that even conditions such as rectal prolapse, Type 1 Diabetes, and Koala Chlamydia can be completely cured with simply “the right strain”. Note: Each attendee of this talk will be breathalyzed before entering the talk, and if your blood-cannabis level is below “on one”, you will be barred from entrance.
- Katherine, explaining that because she’s in the LGBTQIA community she is fundamentally incapable of being racist – Katherine, who is a proud member of the LGBTQIA community, will be coming to campus to explain that the lived experience of being a person of color is exactly the same as the lived experience of being white and queer. Katherine, who is president of the “Cops Belong at Pride” society, claims she fully understands what it’s like to be a person of color, because she knows all the words to Despacito (both the version with and without Justin Bieber) and took two weeks of an Ethnic Studies class. Note: all attendees of this talk will be gifted/burdened with a copy of Lena Dunham’s diary entry regarding her thoughts on race.
- Bradley, your Tinder date explaining how all of his exes have been crazy – Ever wonder about the ‘one that got away’? Well Bradley sure doesn’t, because all of his exes have been “batshit crazy”. Bradley, who’s dating strategy has been categorized by mental health professionals as “gaslighting” and “wildly abusive” will be coming to campus to share his not-so-unique strategy for treating the women he’s romantically or sexually involved with. Note: you don’t have to have an active sexual violence investigation in order to obtain a ticket to this event, but you will need to prove your renewed commitment to misogyny and ultimately being “the worst”. We are an incel-friendly event.
- Trent, a sexual partner of yours who claims it’s totally chill to do anal without lube – “The asshole lubricates itself if you’re turned on enough” Note: No. No, it doesn’t, but I guess anyone’s opinion is valid now…
- Dicholas Nirks, (not to be confused with Nicholas Dirks), explaining why those in charge of public funds should be allowed to misuse them however they see fit – Do you trust your appointed officials? Dicholas sure thinks you should. Nirks, who is the former chancellor of University of Carolina Beluga (shortened to UC Beluga), was caught misusing public funds on the creation of human centipedes and individual bouncy castles for he and all of his human centipede friends. But hell, what’s a couple million in the long run? That is chump change to Jeff Bezos! It’s not like this is the hard-earned money of his students that’s supposed to go to bettering their education- it’s the hard-earned money of his students that’s supposed to go to bettering the football stadium. Note: There is some backlash anticipated for this event, so an insider source has informed us that the room Nirks will be talking has been equipped with an emergency exit tunnel, which involves a bungee cable, a fleet of Earth-type Pokemon, a chandelier made of glass butt plugs, and the Monopoly man.
Wow! I guess we have a lot to look forward to here at Berkeley!