BERKELEY, Calif.– Great news for underage nicotine enthusiasts! Local smoke shop owner and Italian-American mobster Alfredo “Big Al” Mancini announced that customers purchasing vapes at his store without a valid ID can now pay for them using EBT cards.
“Look, if CalFresh says that fruits, vegetables, beans, meats, dairy products, rice, bread, nuts, and seeds are eligible for purchase, why can’t our products,” explained Mancini while handing a vape to a 12-year-old child visiting for a debate tournament. “As far as I can tell, flavored nicotine products are a legitimate form of nourishment and need to be made more accessible. How else can I sell to Freshmen who don’t have an income yet?”
This decision is supported by a recent study that discovered that vapes have become a modern substitute for grains in the food pyramid for many students.
“Dude this is huge news. Meal prepping’s gonna be hella easy now,” explained fraternity brother and tobacco aficionado Nick O’Fein. “I can start my daily grindset with Coffee Zyns, then inhale a hearty breakfast of banana-flavored Flum. In the afternoon, between my reps of DMing IG models, I’ll recharge with a bowl of Honey berry Backwoods before unwinding in the evening with a Lemon Spritz Elf bar.”
Additionally, Mancini confirmed that even flavors that aren’t real fruits, like “Berrymelon” or “Tropical Passion” are available for purchase using EBT.
In response to the news, the California Department of Social Services tweeted their approval, labeling Mancini’s decision as “genius,” while reminding the public that EBT cannot be used to buy medicine or hot food.