SAN FRANCISCO, Calif.–– Yesterday afternoon, new reports came in from Burning Man exit polls showing the new target for young, untalented, Elon-worshiping tech bros: being rich enough to DJ on the side.
“I don’t know, chat, I mean— after selling my drop-shipping sneaker company and disbanding the pickleball league with the bros, I felt lost and directionless,” lamented Broseph Chadwick, a nepo-baby who doesn’t know the difference between the words literally and figuratively. “I was sitting staring at the minimalist grayscale walls in my San Francisco condo when I got an X notification about the new Ableton Push that comes with those customizable finger pads, and I knew I had to cop. What an absolutely insane sign from the universe. I found my calling that day, man.”
Despite having never taken a music class and lacking rhythm in absolutely all of his recreational activities, Broseph did not let his shortcomings get in the way of his Vision: A world where every man in a J. Crew Hoodie gets the opportunity to drop acid and the world’s worst house remix of Ed Sheeran’s “Shape of You.”
“Our new business model is called, ‘how fast can we get our employees to hand back their wages?’” raved millennial microtrend industry professional Binkle Sprinkle. “Who needs to cut costs when our newest consumer base is coding AI Elon Musk DJ tutorials? We have never had more money selling synthesizer packs and sound boards. Isn’t it amazing how dependable and rewarding this country is?!”
In an effort to learn how and why this epidemic spreads so efficiently, we spoke with one of Chadwick’s biggest supporters— his roommate and crypto-partner Bobby Humdrum.
“I don’t mean to brag, but yeah, I was the guy who came up with the fake X-out button on Instagram ads that automatically opens up a bunch of new tabs,” Humdrum told us without having been asked. “Anyways, ever since I broke it off with my ex-girlfriend I’ve been trying to figure out what to do. She always planned anything that required face-to-face social interaction, and after playing video games for two weeks straight, I realized I needed a change. And that’s when Broseph showed me cyberpunk EDM for the first time. I felt each of the 7 beat drops like shots of steroids in my heart. I truly believe we are revolutionizing music, and I seriously doubt Bowie or Stevie Wonder could have come up with something that bumps so hard at the club and is still this lit hanging with the bros.”
Many econ men fantasize about what it will be like when it is their turn to extract excess value from other’s labor. Will all of the hazing in their pre-professional clubs be for nothing? Studies prove, like we all thought, that it will— hold the plank on rusty nails while naked today, so that one day, your mental health will entirely depend on the amount of likes you get on Soundcloud.