BERKELEY, Calif.– In response to Chancellor Lyons’ decision to eliminate the Rhetoric department and absorb it into the English department, Professor Wourd Smith penned a scathing open letter to the University. Byway of wax-sealed papyrus scroll, Professor Smith wrote a succinct: “Nuh-Uh.”
“English and Rhetoric could not be more different,” Professor Smith said whilst knocking over a stack of ungraded undergraduate essays from 1977. “I felt I best encapsulated that in the disyllabic, sing-song bifurcation of the ‘nuh’ from the ‘uh.’ The Rhetoric department offers a vital, multi-disciplinary, two-spirited liberal arts education on salient issues such as the History of the Oxford Comma; Gregarious Group Chanting; and Unctuous Utterances.”
Senior rhetoric major and aspiring author, Joan Diditonem, expressed a similar outrage at the prospect of losing degree accreditation close to graduation.
“This sucks guys. Talk about bad timing. I was just about to publish my one-woman tell-all play exploring the inner voice of female humpback whales—Blub Her or Leave Her. I think what’s really been missing from the current of whale discourse is the centering of she-whale porpoise,” Diditonem said while whittling a small, fairy creature out of reclaimed wood from North Gate Hall. “It’s either that or law school.” Others however, like English Department Chair Professor Thaddeus Loquacious, support the Chancellor’s decision—citing departmental waste and fiscal conservatism.
“I just don’t believe in frivolity of any kind. That’s why I’ve cut all but six of my department’s courses. We now offer classes ranging from Medieval Literature Pre-Shakespeare to Modern Takes on Shakespeare.” When asked about the dozens of students that would lose academic resources, Professor Loquacious said “Chan eil fuss agam” in Gaelic, roughly translating to idgaf.
A flash poll of students reveals that the Chancellor’s decision has been polarizing, with all eighteen rhetoric students vehemently anti-cutbacks, and 45,039 students learning what a rhetoric major is for the first time.