VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis tragically passed away earlier on Monday, but not before enduring an unbearable, thirty-minute meeting with National Backup Dancer and altar-boy-who-missed-his-cue, …
Investigative: Study Finds if Your Edible Hasn’t Hit, You Should Take 2 to 3 More
BERKELEY, Calif.- A groundbreaking new study from the UC Berkeley Institute for Delayed Consequences and Medicinal Misinformation has confirmed what thousands of college students and …
BREAKING: You Coughed. Everyone Noticed. They’re Talking About It.
TOKELAND, Calif. — The blunt had barely kissed his lips when freshman Jimmy Pendrix took one hit, exhaled, and immediately let out a ruptured-lung cough …
Scientists Discover New Sativa Strain to Help Man Remember Every Mistake Since 2008
BERKELEY, Calif.– Scientists at Berkeley’s premier cannabis research institute, the Rausser College of Natural Resources, have successfully developed a new sativa strain that forces users …
Something Wrong? Call Anh Bong
BONG LAW OFFICES, LLP – Operating out of an abandoned dispensary across from People’s Park, Bong Law Offices LLP has experienced an influx of clients …
Top Dog Bravely Speaks Their Truth: “I’m a Bottom”
BERKELEY, Calif. – After suffering years of abuse from Tap Haus patrons slamming sauerkraut and hotlinks down their gullets, Top Dog announced he had enough. …
The One that Got Away? Gayle King Loses Katy Perry Mid-Space Walk
LOW EARTH ORBIT—In an unprecedented turn of events aboard a Blue Origin tourist flight, broadcast journalist Gayle King lost track of singer and spiritual herbalist …
What the Sigma? Student Jumped by Gen Alpha Gang on Sproul
OHIO — Six Gen Alpha students from Albany High School were charged by the Alameda Prosecutor’s Office with felony assault after surrounding and beating the …
Breaking: Supreme Court Ruled 8-1 that You Have Absolutely No Play. Alito Dissented.
WASHINGTON, D.C.— In a decision that legal scholars are calling “the most brutal ratio in Supreme Court history,” the Justices ruled 8-1 Monday that you, …
LEAKED: Memo Shows Trump’s Prospective Cabinet Picks
WASHINGTON, D.C. – With only two months to go before President-elect Donald Trump is inaugurated for his second term, he has begun to announce his …