BERKELEY, Calif.– Scientists at Berkeley’s premier cannabis research institute, the Rausser College of Natural Resources, have successfully developed a new sativa strain that forces users to remember every gaffe and goof they’ve made since the financial crisis.
The strain, known commercially as Obama-era Blues, was initially created to enhance memory recall amongst stoners with cognitive decline. Instead, it made one subject profusely apologize for a 2011 tweet about ‘men’s rights,’ before trying to crawl inside his old Tumblr account.
“Look, we thought it would make people sharper,” said lead researcher Dr. Benedict Von Puff, while hand-feeding funyuns to a therapy cow. “But this strain sends patients into shame spirals. One patient relieved his Jason Mraz phase, two frat pledgeships, and a full emotional rerun of everytime he either called a woman ‘milady’ or a teacher ‘mommy.’ It was a lot of times.”
Despite the risks, Dr. Von Puff maintains that the benefits of the strain outweigh the psychological toll.
“The Obama Administration was a dark time for all of us. But pain is temporary. And the only way out is through. Honestly, some patients need to be humbled. They need to be reminded that they once posted ‘Rawr means I love you in dinosaur’ on their mom’s Facebook page. That’s growth. ”
At press time. Dr. Von Puff’s team was developing tabs of acid that are capable of making users hallucinate every missed opportunity in their lives; early testers have reported watching themselves choose art over finance and repeatedly chickening out of roller coasters.