The Free Peach

This is a serious diagnosis, and we want to give you all the help you need in discovering what he may be doing behind closed doors. You’re sexy and all, but you have to be honest with yourself – there are just some other things that get him off. Here’s a few signs that one of those things is our favorite tech mogul asswad, Elon Musk: 

1. He is male
2. He is a white male
3. He is a straight white male
4. He eats things like Cheetos and Takis constantly
5. His discord name is “CS61BGod”
6. He goes home on weekends so his mom can do his laundry
7. He believes women have advantages in STEM because they’re women
8. He hates “when companies do diversity hires”
9. He works at or aspires to work at Apple, Amazon, Google, Facebook, Rand, Samsung, Microsoft, or, of course, Tesla
10. He cums really quickly and then says, “It’s not like I have 500 horsepower recharge, babe,” before falling asleep directly afterward
11. You are the only female with whom he can properly converse
12. He once asked if he could call you “Daddy Elon” in bed, which he thought would be “hot”
13. He also once asked you to “talk dirty about table functions”
14. He smells sometimes 
15. He un-ironically has one of those mini-basketball hoops on his bedroom door
16. He pleads to do doggy-style because of the position’s “mechanical advantage”
17. He hates sharing homework answers with classmates because he doesn’t want to “mess up the curve” 
18. He has absolutely no concept of female pleasure
19. He gets frustrated when you correct him on social topics, especially feminism

You’ve been considering breaking up with him for a while, and you know what? You should. Because let’s be honest: he’s kind of a piece of shit, he can’t make you cum, he seems averse to the concept of showers and vibrators, and besides – you’re not his real daddy, hun, and we all know who is.