WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking but also entirely unsurprising decision, the self-described ‘apolitical institution’ that is the Supreme Court of the United States has …
Elon Musk Celebrates Earth Day By Leaving
BOCA CHICA, Texas — Forgoing his usual performative grandstanding, Elon Musk has decided to permanently end his contribution to the climate crisis by jettisoning himself …
Reconciling With April Fools’ Day’s Problematic Depictions of Fool Culture
At The Free Peach, we love April Fools’ Day as much as anyone. Many of our staff are self-identifying fools and/or fool allies, and we …
Belarus Swears Putin “Is Not That Kind of Guy” and “Would Never Do That”
MINSK, Belarus — Representatives from the Belarusian capital have reacted to the Russian invasion of Ukraine, which somehow just now heard of. “Putin? As in …
If Babies Aren’t Racist, Then Why Didn’t They Post a Black Square on Instagram?
WASHINGTON – Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, the self-described first Hispanic Asian-American in Congress, is under heat for asking Supreme Court nominee Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson …
Will Smith Finally Tired of Other Men Screaming Out His Wife’s Name
LOS ANGELES — At this year’s Academy Awards, Will Smith open-hand smacked Chris Rock in an attempt to defend his much-publicized marriage to actress Jada …
Lindsey Graham Faces Bipartisan Backlash After Advocating for His Own Assassination on Twitter
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., received bipartisan backlash after he seemingly advocated his own assassination. “My fellow loyal patriots — I urge you …
8 “Crimes” the Woke Mob Will Cancel You For
1. Arson
Man’s built it for millennia, but now broken society says fire has to stay in a designated area. What would you even call that? A “fire place?” Look who sounds stupid now.
Man With Imposter Syndrome Wonders if He Truly Belongs in Ukraine
MOSCOW — Proving his relatability to thousands of insecure students everywhere, Russian President Vladimir Putin recently described having feelings of ‘imposter syndrome’ following his self-admission …
Scavenger Hunt! Can You Find Where We Hid The Bodies?
Welcome back to campus, bears! In light of tours, orientations, and events that have returned alongside our vibrant student body, we’ve decided to host our …