BERKELEY, Calif.– Much to the surprise of students enrolled in GLBL 187, “Bullshit Exams and their Cultural Heritage,” Friday the 12th presented an unexpected subversion …
Fact Check: I Actually Didn’t Piss Myself at the AMC Emeryville While Watching The Mario Movie
In this era of misinformation and partisan brainwashing, a completely false and libelous rumor has spread that I recently pissed myself while watching my favorite Italian plumber at the AMC Emeryville. However, unbiased fact-checking conducted by this star journalist has found these claims to be utterly false.
‘It’s Not You, It’s Me,’ Says Doe Library Lamp to Any Charger in Existence Attempting to Plug In
“It’s not you, it’s me,” stated the Doe lamp. “We just don’t fit together. I’m never going to change, even if it would make the lives of thousands of students much easier.”
Leading Economists Advise Millennials to Eat Shit and Die
BERKELEY, Calif. — An exciting new report by leading economists at the University of California, Berkeley has some advice to give Millennials: eat shit and die.
“The best course of action for Millennials to take in this highly-competitive, globalized, 21st-century economy is quite simply to eat shit and die,” declared Nobel Laureate David Card in the ‘Discussion’ section of the report. “I’m not going to sugarcoat it—you guys [Millennials] are fucked. Rising income inequality, right-wing public policy, and impending environmental collapse have all but ensured that you will never retire comfortably or enjoy a decent standard of living. Unless you are happy wage-slaving through your golden years without adequate healthcare benefits or a home, I suggest taking the quickest possible exit from this unrelenting hellscape we call existence. Alternatively, if that isn’t an option, try cutting back on the avocado toast and the Starbucks frappuccinos. Sure, it’ll do little to help you financially, but at least it’ll make you moderately less annoying.”
MLB Introduces Pitch Clock to More Accurately Measure How Long It Will Take for Baseball to Die
“These young kids think they can mess with tradition, but they’re dead wrong,” yelled 85-year-old baseball fan Smith Smithers. “How can we watch baseball if there’s no time for the television commentators to tell long unrelated stories about the minutiae of life while waiting for nothing to happen on screen?”
Shame! Moffitt to No Longer Count Full Costco Rotisserie Chicken as Snack
“It’s discrimination and a miscarriage of justice through and through. It’s quite simple and plain in fact, unlike Costco’s delectable rotisserie chickens.”
4 Secret Spots on Campus Seniors Should Visit Before They Graduate!
▇▇ is one of my favorite study spots on campus. Ever since I found out about this place, I haven’t had to desperately circle around …
QUIZ: Tell Us How Much You Love Your Family and We’ll Tell You Whether to Get Them $10, $15, $60, or No Graduation Tickets
To celebrate the culmination of your four years of college, the university has decided to follow in the footsteps of Ticketmaster by price gouging its graduation tickets. But how can you determine if you should get $10, $15, $60, or no tickets for your family? Don’t worry, here’s a quiz to help you decide.
Fox News to Replace Tucker Carlson with More Diverse Cast of Racists
“Tucker certainly left some big shoes to fill, but I am confident that I will live up to his legacy. To prepare for the role, I watched thirty-five hours of green M&M porn and spent eight years repeatedly writing the word ‘woke’ on a wall and then getting terrified by it.”
Don Lemon and Tucker Carlson announced as new hosts of SNL ‘Weekend Update’
“It was the right decision by far,” began longtime SNL producer Lorne Michaels. “And I mean by far, like a far-right decision.”