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Posted on January 27, 2021 by: The Free Peach

UC President Michael Drake Intends for Fully In-Person Kicking Your Ass

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Posted on December 10, 2020 by: The Free Peach

SoundCloud Rapper Getting Desperate; Turns to Sproul Piano for Exposure

BERKELEY, Calif. – Worried about the lack of plays on his most recent tracks, local SoundCloud rapper Lil Big Penis has turned to the piano …

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Posted on December 8, 2020 by: The Free Peach

Entirety of US Surveillance State Gears Up for Upcoming CS 70 Final

BERKELEY, Calif. – With an eye turned toward looming final exams, Berkeley EECS administrators held a press conference Tuesday regarding their proctoring policy: “I’m sure …

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Posted on November 6, 2020 by: The Free Peach

Opinion: Wait, Did WALL-E Ever Fuck That Sexy Little Robot Eve?

The 2008 animated Pixar film, WALL-E, might be a severe societal criticism of capitalism, corporatocracy, environmental degradation, and global catastrophic risk, but above all: it’s …

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Posted on November 1, 2020 by: The Free Peach

Frat Brother Wants to Show You Flask of Amontillado

BERKELEY, Calif. – Junior Brock Tresor had borne the thousand injuries of the Sigma Chi dating scene as best he could, but when it at …

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Posted on November 1, 2020 by: The Free Peach

Top Dog Rebrands to Top/Bottom Dog to Show Allyship for the Gays

BERKELEY, Calif. – This morning, Berkeley’s hottest wiener franchise, Top Dog Hotdogs, announced its first rebranding since its founding in 1966 to support the city’s …

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Posted on October 27, 2020 by: The Free Peach

LinkedIn Networking Event Ends in Tragedy

According to multiple, visibly shaken sources, a virtual LinkedIn networking event held on Saturday night by Berkeley Haas Students in Haas ended in shambles when …

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Posted on October 22, 2020October 22, 2020 by: Sam MacKinnon

Tiffany Trump Comes Out as 50 Year Old ‘Cool Aunt’ on Booze Cruise Following Pride Gig

Following her appearance at a Pride event for her father, Tiffany Trump came under fire for her general asshattery and lack of knowledge about the …

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Posted on April 28, 2020 by: The Free Peach

Trump Solves Coronavirus by Stopping Testing

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House issued a press release yesterday explaining how President Trump has resolved the COVID-19 pandemic by halting all testing, after Dr. Harold …

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Posted on April 24, 2020April 24, 2020 by: Kelsey Ferrell

Woman’s Yeast Infection Repurposed for Sourdough Starter

FULLERTON, Calif.— Fullerton resident Jeanine Woodrow recently repurposed her pesky yeast infection to create a sourdough starter during the statewide shelter in place mandate.  “I …

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Posted on April 23, 2020April 24, 2020 by: The Free Peach

Oh Yeah, Totally: UC Berkeley Students Lose Competitive Edge Because Classes Are P/NP

In an unthinkable turn of events, the university’s recent move to default classes as “Pass/No Pass” has wreaked havoc far and wide on the one …

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