Skip to content

The Free Peach

Everything Your Relatives Fear About Berkeley

Posted on January 29, 2023January 30, 2023 by: Valmic Mukund

SUPERB Updates Crowd Control Measures by Promising That All Future Performances Will Only Feature Nickelback

  • Home
  • Berkeley
  • Local News
  • Quizzes
  • The Pit
  • Join Us!
  • Masthead
  • Contact

Category: Uncategorized

Posted on January 29, 2023January 30, 2023 by: Valmic Mukund

SUPERB Updates Crowd Control Measures by Promising That All Future Performances Will Only Feature Nickelback

BERKELEY, Calif.— Following a severe failure at crowd control during their Soulja Boy concert last Friday, ASUC SUPERB has promised to update their crowd control …

Continue Reading
Posted on January 29, 2023January 30, 2023 by: Tohar Zamir

INVESTIGATION: Does SUPERB Know About Our Massive Outdoor Greek Theater?

BERKELEY, Calif.– Following Friday’s horrific Soulja Boy crowd-crush, many among the student body have raised serious questions surrounding the planning of the concert. With Pauley …

Continue Reading
Posted on January 27, 2023January 28, 2023 by: Maddie Heath

Soulja Boy to Release 15 Minute Set List for Superb Extravaganza

BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal students were overjoyed this morning as leaked set list for Soulja Boy revealed his concert will consist of “Kiss Me Through …

Continue Reading
Posted on January 27, 2023January 28, 2023 by: Tyler Goldstein

Out-of-State Student Declares Bankruptcy Instead of Major

BERKELEY, Calif. – Sophomore Bridget Martin wanted to be a computer science major, but due to the high tuition costs for out-of-state students, she has …

Continue Reading
Posted on January 25, 2023January 26, 2023 by: Valmic Mukund

Too Woke? This Poli Sci Class Is Making Me Wake Up at 8:00 AM

At 8:00 AM, I don’t even have the energy to rebut every single one of the Professor’s points or talk over all of my female classmates. How can I be an effective student of politics if I’m too sleep-deprived to explain why straight white men are the most oppressed group in America?

Continue Reading
Posted on January 23, 2023January 24, 2023 by: Tohar Zamir

Recession Watch: We’re Down to 3 Yali’s Cafes on Campus

BERKELEY, Calif. – The chilling wind of economic crisis has swept upon Berkeley, and it seems that the University has left its thrifted, Shattuck-Crossroads windbreaker …

Continue Reading
Posted on January 20, 2023January 21, 2023 by: Tohar Zamir

Clark Kerr Skeleton Evicted After Tuition Non-Payment

BERKELEY, Calif. – In a dormitory-wide email recently, UC Berkeley Housing notified some of the campus community that they had discovered “what is believed to …

Continue Reading
Posted on January 6, 2023January 7, 2023 by: Ajay Madala

Where Are They Now? The Teletubbies Sun Baby Found in New January 6th Footage

“I’m still trapped in my giggling yellow spiky circle cage but now it’s a metaphorical cage made by Sleepy Joe and George Soros.”

Continue Reading
Posted on December 15, 2022December 16, 2022 by: Maddie Heath

Lonely UC Berkeley Seal Just Wants a Hug, or Any Touch Really

As the semester comes to a close, the official UC Berkeley seal outside Moffitt has sadly reported it received no physical contact this past year and that students were actively avoiding it. Though ideally seeking a hug, the seal has stated that even being stepped on by a fresh Reebok would be a pleasurable alternative.

Continue Reading
Posted on December 13, 2022December 14, 2022 by: Abhi Ganesh

Skip the Wait: Durant Taco Bell Introduces Ticketmaster Order Presales

“You just pick an order you might want weeks ahead and confirm your presale on Ticketmaster. There’s a 15% chance your order gets placed, and Ticketmaster only takes a portion worth double the meal price. It’s a steal, really.”

Continue Reading

Posts navigation

1 2 3 4 5 … 14

Search

Top Posts & Pages

  • Opinion: It’s Technically Only ‘Shackles and Champagne’ if They’re From the Champagne Region of France. Otherwise, You Have to Call Them Sparkling Wine and Zip Ties.
    Opinion: It’s Technically Only ‘Shackles and Champagne’ if They’re From the Champagne Region of France. Otherwise, You Have to Call Them Sparkling Wine and Zip Ties.
  • INVESTIGATION: Does SUPERB Know About Our Massive Outdoor Greek Theater?
    INVESTIGATION: Does SUPERB Know About Our Massive Outdoor Greek Theater?
  • Report: Arnold's Death On The Magic School Bus Is Responsible For Every Single Teenage & Young Adult Problem
    Report: Arnold's Death On The Magic School Bus Is Responsible For Every Single Teenage & Young Adult Problem
  • Soulja Boy to Release 15 Minute Set List for Superb Extravaganza
    Soulja Boy to Release 15 Minute Set List for Superb Extravaganza
  • Frank Ocean Emerges From Hiatus to Clarify That He Was Referring to Berkeley City College in Infamous "Novacane" Lyric
    Frank Ocean Emerges From Hiatus to Clarify That He Was Referring to Berkeley City College in Infamous "Novacane" Lyric
  • Fuck It! We Ranked All The Sororities at Cal Alphabetically!
    Fuck It! We Ranked All The Sororities at Cal Alphabetically!
  • 4 Creative Ways to Acquire a Trader Joe’s Sweatshirt Besides Giving a Stellar Blowjob
    4 Creative Ways to Acquire a Trader Joe’s Sweatshirt Besides Giving a Stellar Blowjob
  • Clark Kerr Skeleton Evicted After Tuition Non-Payment
    Clark Kerr Skeleton Evicted After Tuition Non-Payment
  • Out-of-State Student Declares Bankruptcy Instead of Major
    Out-of-State Student Declares Bankruptcy Instead of Major
  • Berkeley Startup 'Tinder For Friends' Not Affiliated With Tinder, Also Not Affiliated With Friends
    Berkeley Startup 'Tinder For Friends' Not Affiliated With Tinder, Also Not Affiliated With Friends

Our Facebook

Our Facebook
Copyright © 2023 The Free Peach All Rights Reserved | Magpaper by Theme Palace