BERKELEY, Calif. – After months of prospective ASUC* runners campaigning and simply being annoying as fuck, John Doe from the ASUC* Elections Council has leaked …
SoundCloud Rapper Getting Desperate; Turns to Sproul Piano for Exposure
BERKELEY, Calif. – Worried about the lack of plays on his most recent tracks, local SoundCloud rapper Lil Big Penis has turned to the piano …
Entirety of US Surveillance State Gears Up for Upcoming CS 70 Final
BERKELEY, Calif. – With an eye turned toward looming final exams, Berkeley EECS administrators held a press conference Tuesday regarding their proctoring policy: “I’m sure …
Opinion: Wait, Did WALL-E Ever Fuck That Sexy Little Robot Eve?
The 2008 animated Pixar film, WALL-E, might be a severe societal criticism of capitalism, corporatocracy, environmental degradation, and global catastrophic risk, but above all: it’s …
Frat Brother Wants to Show You Flask of Amontillado
BERKELEY, Calif. – Junior Brock Tresor had borne the thousand injuries of the Sigma Chi dating scene as best he could, but when it at …
Top Dog Rebrands to Top/Bottom Dog to Show Allyship for the Gays
BERKELEY, Calif. – This morning, Berkeley’s hottest wiener franchise, Top Dog Hotdogs, announced its first rebranding since its founding in 1966 to support the city’s …
LinkedIn Networking Event Ends in Tragedy
According to multiple, visibly shaken sources, a virtual LinkedIn networking event held on Saturday night by Berkeley Haas Students in Haas ended in shambles when …
Tiffany Trump Comes Out as 50 Year Old ‘Cool Aunt’ on Booze Cruise Following Pride Gig
Following her appearance at a Pride event for her father, Tiffany Trump came under fire for her general asshattery and lack of knowledge about the …
Trump Solves Coronavirus by Stopping Testing
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House issued a press release yesterday explaining how President Trump has resolved the COVID-19 pandemic by halting all testing, after Dr. Harold …
Woman’s Yeast Infection Repurposed for Sourdough Starter
FULLERTON, Calif.— Fullerton resident Jeanine Woodrow recently repurposed her pesky yeast infection to create a sourdough starter during the statewide shelter in place mandate. “I …