The 2008 animated Pixar film, WALL-E, might be a severe societal criticism of capitalism, corporatocracy, environmental degradation, and global catastrophic risk, but above all: it’s …
Tiffany Trump Comes Out as 50 Year Old ‘Cool Aunt’ on Booze Cruise Following Pride Gig
Following her appearance at a Pride event for her father, Tiffany Trump came under fire for her general asshattery and lack of knowledge about the …
Trump Solves Coronavirus by Stopping Testing
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House issued a press release yesterday explaining how President Trump has resolved the COVID-19 pandemic by halting all testing, after Dr. Harold …
Woman’s Yeast Infection Repurposed for Sourdough Starter
FULLERTON, Calif.— Fullerton resident Jeanine Woodrow recently repurposed her pesky yeast infection to create a sourdough starter during the statewide shelter in place mandate. “I …
Lori Loughlin Changes Defense Strategy, Claims USC Crew Team Is Now Rowing Just as Much as Olivia Jade Did in High School
LOS ANGELES, Calif. — Last year Lori Loughlin was accused of paying $500,000 to get her two daughters, Olivia Jade and Isabella Rose, into USC …
How to Survive Quarantine From Your 4-Story-6-Bedroom Manhattan Beach Mansion
Listen, we know it’s been hard. Quarantine is rough, especially when you’re sitting on a 5-acre lot in Manhattan Beach or Palos Verdes or wherever …
Mask Wearing Beta Male Grateful He No Longer Has to Pencil In Beard
Ross Kelley is grateful he no longer has to pencil in his beard every morning. Why? Thanks to COVID-19, he now wears a mask when …
CDC Recommends Pitbull Cease Worldwide Behavior to Curb Spread of Fresh Miami Sound
MIAMI, Fla. – Clean water ambassador and rapper Armando C. Pérez, better known as Pitbull, is at the center of a public health crisis. “A …
Nation’s Leaders Model Good Shelter-in-Place Behavior by Only Engaging in Insider Trading During a Pandemic
Washington, D.C. — Legislators demonstrated unprecedented leadership earlier this year by engaging in insider stock trading upon being briefed about COVID-19, showing the American people …
Quarantined with 1D?!
I wake up to my parents standing above me. I blink a few times, rubbing my light blue orbs to get rid of my sleepiness. …