In a stunning turn of events, the University of California, Berkeley, has made a groundbreaking error in its admissions process. The prestigious institution accidentally admitted you, a regular student, instead of the usual line-up of geniuses, valedictorians, taekwondo red belts, and future Nobel Prize winners.
Due to Extensive Budget Cuts, The University of California Will Now Be Shutting Down the Simulation
BERKELEY, Calif. — The pressing need to fund more administrative mansions and football coach salaries has forced the University of California to cut back on …
Girl Breaking Glass Ceiling Expected to Pay For Damages
BERKELEY, Calif. – Yesterday, at approximately 13:00, UCPD received a call notifying them that the glass ceiling in Gardner Main Stacks Library had been shattered …
Trump Charged With 34 Felonies. To Find Out More Search ‘Trump Rule 34’
The remainder of the reporting is unavailable at this moment. To find out more, please search “Donald Trump Rule 34.”
‘Rules Are Made to Be Broken’ Says Guy About to Cheat on His Girlfriend During Spring Break
GENERIC RESORT TOWN – Immediately following his flight landing in Miami with his “boys,” Delta Iota Kappa (DIK) brother and chlamydia vector Chad Broson posted …
Leaked! White Lotus Season 3 Actually Just Found Footage of Kappa Girls in Cabo
CABO SAN LUCAS, Mexico — Writer and director of the hit show White Lotus, Mike White, revealed that Season 3 will not only take place …
‘Ryanair Is SO Cheap’ and 2 Other Ways to Act Like Your Spring Break in Europe Hasn’t Put You in Financial Ruin
You’ll be spending what’s left of your savings on a 23 hour, four-layover trip to Paris. Je suis livin’ la vida loca. “But how can you afford that?!” someone asks. You know you can’t. Don’t answer. Don’t check your bank account. Hell, run if you have to. But never admit the truth.
Another Weirdo Peddling Their Agenda on Sproul: the Girl Scouts are Back!
BERKELEY, Calif. – Doomsday preachers, consulting-club donut-salesmen, and moralist demagogues all tremble upon the appearance of the ultimate uniformed, jack-booted thugs. Brace yourselves: the Girl Scouts are back.
Horrific: This Social Media Company That Steals User Data Isn’t Even American
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The future of TikTok looks uncertain after a rigorous congressional hearing Thursday revealed that the user-data-stealing social media company isn’t even American.
OPINION: Yes, Actually, Every Indian Name Is Spelled Wrong
Some people have accused me of being malfunctional, data-deficient, or even racist. I find all of these criticisms highly unfair. The truth is actually really simple—every Indian name is spelled wrong.