BERKELEY, Calif. – Cal sophomore Ricky Jitters came to the realization last Tuesday night that it was, unfortunately, a bit too late to drink that …
Man Who ‘Doesn’t Need a Bedtime Story’ Scrolling Wikipedia
BERKELEY, Calif. – Gripped by stressful late-night study sessions, many Berkeley scholars have faced difficulty nodding off. Despite spending 30 minutes on the Wikipedia page …
Representation Matters! CEO of ‘War Crimes Inc.’ in Problem Set Question is a Woman
BERKELEY, Calif. – Students in a Haas financial accounting class were assigned what seemed to be a typical problem set for homework. However, in a …
‘Social Impact Consulting’ and Three Other Ways to Only Sell Out Halfway
For many UC Berkeley students, being entrenched in capitalist society means a certain dilemma wreaks daily havoc on the psyche: financial security or having a …
Fact-Checking the Second GOP Primary Debate
WASHINGTON D.C – Following the Second Republican Primary Debate, held at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, news outlets were quick to correct …
Senior Celebrates ‘Last First’ Mental Breakdown of the School Year
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following celebrations of his ‘last first’ lecture and his ‘last first’ Taco Tuesday, Senior Dan Sobbing had his last first mental breakdown …
Dianne Feinstein to Continue Filibustering Vote on Green New Deal Via Zoom Call From Hell
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After serving a minuscule 31 years in the U.S. Senate, Dianne Feinstein has announced she plans to continue blocking any progress on …
‘Is This How Happy I Should Be?’ Asks Student After Three Weeks of Not Attending Class
BERKELEY, Calif. – With the University of California still denying the majority of graduate student employees basic rights and actively attempting to threaten or block …
Countries Vie for the World Cup Since All the Rest Are in the Dishwasher
DOHA, Qatar – Fans across the world are oscillating in sweaty dive-bars, cooling down sports spectators who are whooping and hollering at yet another World Cup. …
Doctors Hate Her! This Woman Punches Doctors
SAN FRANCISCO – Recent reports have surfaced detailing a woman hated by doctors for reasons entirely unrelated to anti-aging secrets or defiance of traditional medical …